Not Without My Ralphie

A trip just isn't a trip without the company of the little man with the big head. 2004 has been a busy year for our Ralphie. He's been sited all over the Upper Midwest. He's traveled from the dusty soccer fields of Chihuahua, Mexico to the bustling city streets of Shanghai, China.

And now he's gone Dutch as well.




Ralphie was in Amsterdam checking out the sites and sounds around the harbor area. You can see the city's main train station in the distant background. He also spent some time wandering through the pedestrian friendly streets of the city and its many picturesque canals.

Although Ralphie's main interests in life revolve around hockey, washing down Cheetos with Diet Coke, and trying not to break his glasses, he also finds time for the finer things. While in Amsterdam he was able to sneak in a visit to the Rijksmuseum, which houses an impressive collection of art masterpieces from the Golden Age of Dutch history. Here he relaxes by the pool outside the museum.

Where will Ralphie pop up next?

Well, he can't make any guarantees, but I'd say there's a fighting chance you might be able to find him at the upcoming Minnesota State Fair. It is the place to be this time of year and I believe that Ralphie's hero and mentor will be making an appearance there as well.

Fried In Kentucky

Official Fraters Appalachian correspondent Scott H. e-mailed us on Tuesday with a disturbing report on the crushing of dissent in John Ashcroft's Amerika:

My computer is down back home in my tar paper shack in Huntington, WV so, I crossed the river and am sitting in the Ashland, KY public library. I have been here five or six times now because of my ^&*#&$ computer. Anyway... The Mr. Van Driessen looking library guy (who makes great pains to roll his eyes at my variety of College Republican shirts) was spotted giving the Fraters site a good once over the last time I was here. I consider it mission work to always leave the screen on an evil conservative site when I leave the confines. I figure any municipality that launched Billy Ray Cyrus and any number of Judds should be grateful for the gesture.

Anyway... I wasn't sure if there was some chemistry or what but he had a real smile for me today. Come to find out... that was a smirk of victory. The site is no longer available to the viewing public of the tri state area. At least not at this liberal outpost of inclusionary, big tent, First Amendment blah, blah, blah everything else they say.

So, I goes to Van Driessen's boss and ask him if I can view gay porn from these computers. He tells me in a conspicuously loud and very proud of himself voice: "This is America, Sir. And until your President tells us otherwise, we can still do what he like". My reply of... "I just can't do what I like then, huh?" leads to further discussion.

Long story short, I can pick up a copy of a complaint form on Friday.

Just as we were about to dispatch a Fraters Quick Reaction Squad appropriate for the situation (JB and Atomizer in a '77 Malibu Classic with a case of Bombay Sapphire, a shotgun, and several sticks of dynamite), Scott reports that the shining beacon of freedom is once again available in Ashland:

I am back at the library. I was able to get to the site today. A few questions of the staff lead me to believe that it was a one time thing. "A bad decision that was not sanctioned by the library" as one chickie put it. Thinking back on it. I'm not sure that the world missed you here. I mean... this is a library in the middle of Appalachia!

This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet. -Larry Burns

Wherever the voices of the downtrodden are thirsting for liberty (or a cold beer) we are needed Scott. And we'll be there. Busy-bodied lefty librarians be damned.

Northern Alliance Radio Network

Big, big doings on the Northern Alliance Radio Network this afternoon:

Hour 1 - Kerry in Cambodia/Swift Boat Veterans for Truth Talk. A lively discussion featuring two of the blogosphere's superstars of reporting on this issue, Ed Morrissey of Captain's Quarters and either John Hinderaker or Scott Johnson of Powerline (it doesn't matter which, they're interchangeably stellar).

Hour 2 - You've seen her on Fox News. You've read her on World Net Daily, National Review Online, the New York Post, and on her blog. And now she's all ours for one full hour. It's sexy right wing interment diva Michelle Malkin. She'll be talking about her new book and commenting on all the hot issues in the news. (Including what jerks Chris Matthews and Keith Olberman are.)

Hour 3 - featuring the Great Right Hope of Twin Cities. Yes, a genuinely conservative (he'd say classically liberal) voice in a Twin Cities newspaper. It's Craig Westover, the new editorial contributor to the Pioneer Press. We'll be talking about bias in the media, his path from letter to the editor writer to a by-lined media insider, and about the REAL story behind Mitch Berg's quixotic, inspiring run as the Libertarian Party's endorsed candidate for State Treasurer a few years back.

It all happens today, from 12 - 3 PM (Central). In the Twin Cities you can hear it on AM1280, the Patriot. Worldwide, catch it on the Web - link on the right hand side of this Web page. (Web stream made possible by the fine folks at the Taxpayers League.)

So clear your schedule, mow that lawn tomorrow, tune in, kick back, and enjoy. It's going to be WILD!

The Pressure Is Even More Immense Than I Imagined

Doug from Colorado writes in with sharp criticism of my post on women's suffrage from Wednesday:

"the pressure was immense at 32.28 millibars" - Really?  The standard pressure at 23000 meters (approximately 75000 feet) is 34 millibars (See this chart for details.)
 
"After a full day of fiery speeches...."  - Dang, tough boys, those politicians; a full day of fiery speeches in the "Space-Equivalent Zone"

Though I suspect that anoxia could account for quite a bit of the, shall we say, atmosphere in most political settings. 8-)
 
Yes, Doug, a clever analysis. But what you failed to account for was the transverse Doppler effect of the prevailing northerly cold front moving into Western Tennessee on August 18, 1920. For if you would have corrected for this in your Van Allen conversion of the squared hypotenuse of the cumulonimbus ratio, you would have obviously seen that I don't know what I'm talking about.

Yes, Doug is right. (There I said it, are you happy now, Doug?) Upon further review, 32.28 millibars of pressure is appropriate for the atmosphere 14.2045455 miles above the Earth. Directly above Nashville, TN that is!

But that pressure is not immense and I accept Doug's rebuke on my accuracy. Lesson learned, never drop in a Steve Cannon joke without properly researching the science behind it.

For those unaware, Steve Cannon was a huge radio personality for decades in the Twin Cities. A member, no less, of the prestigious Pavek Museum of Broadcasting Hall of Fame (located in the holy city of St. Louis Park, MN).

Back in the 70's and 80's he did a show called the Cannon Mess on WCCO. Every time he read the weather report (which, given WCCO's format, was like 6 times an hour), he'd say the temperature, the humidity, and "the pressure is immense at 32.25" or whatever it happened to be at the time. (Thanks to Doug, all these years later I find out he was quoting pressure in inches of mercury NOT millibars).

I surmise the "pressure is immense" line was a reference to the sports casting cliché about the pressure being immense for the players at various times during a game. Cannon delivered that line hour after hour, year after year, and, believe it or not, it was always funny. Not LOL funny, but genuinely, reliably amusing. Something about the juxtaposition of the context of the word pressure and the fact he'd include an obscure and meaningless meteorological statistic in the weather report, combined with his straight forward delivery, equaled enduring comedy magic.

Come to think of it, Canon's schtick has to be the stylistic inspiration for most of the routine of the Joe Soucheray "Garage Logic" show on KSTP. He uses multiple self created cliché lines per hour. Including the weather-related "more proof of global warming" after the the daily high and low temperatures are read. I never thought of that before, but it's obvious.

Speaking of being overly derivative of Cannon, we had such an incident a few weeks ago on Northern Alliance Radio. We had correspondent Chumley Wunderbar on, reporting on his recent travels to San Francisco. When he started using a voice reminiscent of a stereotypically flamboyant denizen of that fair city, I accused him of ripping off Backlash LaRue (a Cannon voiced character).

Reviewing Cannon's page from the Museum of Broadcasting , I ran across this picture. (Left to right, Morgan Mundane, Backlash LaRue, Steve Canon, and Ma Linger.) I think this proves Backlash LaRue was the first alternative lifestyle host in the history of Twin Cities radio. Cannon, amusing and a pioneer for gay rights. No wonder he's in the Hall of Fame.

Useful Fools and Useful Tools

Reader reaction regarding my recent post on the the Star Tribune's blatant distortions about the defeat of Max Cleland. First, James Phillips from Folsom, CA:

I've got nothing to add to your "Mythmaking at the Star Tribune" post, notwithstanding the fact that I have been drinking. 

I just want to say that your simple straight-forward post would make wonderful journalism.  The "Saint Max" myth has been vexing me since he got his ass righteously whipped.  I could understand an honest argument about whether or not homeland security employees would be allowed to be organized labor, but the Dems won't engage in that argument because they are pansies see (told you I'd been drinking). 

Seriously, I think the Dems know in their hearts (I'm a Republican lawyer, so I would not know about having a heart) that most Americans would value safety and security over union membership.  Thus, they must canonize St. Max and lie about his defeat.

I agree with James, he has been drinking again. And he's right about Cleland, the Democrats cynical exploitation of him is almost as bad as what they're doing to poor Patty Wetterling this campaign season. Have these people no shame? (No!)

Local writer Gary Larson also writes in on this topic:

Nifty item you did on the Conrad de Fiebre's ill-premised  opinion showing up in his Max Cleland story. Reveals (again) the partisanship of this reporter in the ol' Party organ.   I complained civilly, rationally, to the new Reader Rep about de Fiebre's stating falsehood as "fact," without, of course, any response from her.  Not that I expected a correction.  
 
I did a column in March about how Strib tail-twisted  truth to make it appear the "Rs" are "questioning" Cleland's--and Kerry's-- patriotism, when that's simply not the case.  It's a canard, a myth de Fiebre repeats.         
 
So, you see,  the Strib is merely up to its old tricks, except now on its news pages as well,  courtesy of Conrad de Fiebre instead of Deputy Editor  Boyd.  How tawdry.  But then, we knew all that, didn't we?  Cheers!

All Glory Is Fleeting

Celebrity blogger Bill Tuomala achieves a dream. Number one (and number two) for the Google search string "first word of Wooly Bully." Our congratulations go out to Bill. And we send him our link to help reinforce his position at the top spot for as long as possible.

I know how difficult it is to retain primacy on the information super highway. Back in March, we achieved a dream by getting the number one Google reference for the distinguished former US Senator, and composite pressboard retailing king, Rudy Boschwitz. But it was for one brief shining moment, as we now languish at number 2. Interestingly, we're also number 2 if you spell his name wrong.

In commiseration for our fall, Bill sent along this Boschwitz factoid:

I'm sure you remember that Boschwitz's stores were originally called Plywood Minnesota. But the outlet in Grand Forks was called Plywood Dakota.

I did not know that.

Bring Them On

Break out your "Best of Europe" CD and get ready to crank up "The Final Countdown". Ladies and gentlemen (and readers of Plastic Hallway) IT IS ON. The long awaited showdown is almost here. We are now less than a week away from what very well might someday be known as the "Bleedin' at Keegan's." Okay so it ain't the Thriller in Manila. You try to find something that rhymes with Keegan's. Other than vegans that is.

Anyway, the important thing is that next week talk radio maven Hugh Hewitt is finally going to be forced to put his money where his mouth is. Hugh will lead an "all-star" team of trivia competitors into Keegan's Irish Pub to face off against the vaunted Fraters squad. Rumor has it that Michael Medved and James Lileks will be teaming up with Hugh (and answering 99% of the questions for him).

We don't have any of those fancy Ivy League-schooled, book learnin' types on our side, but we are proud to announce the addition of Michael J. Nelson to the Fraters trivia team. We may not have the intellectual fire power of Hugh's team, but we won't be lacking for wise cracking commentary come next Thursday. And we're much better looking.

Mark your calendars. Thursday August 26th commencing round about 9pm. Keegans Irish Pub in Nordeast Minneapolis. Folks you do not want to miss this one. It is goin' be huge.

...and a dollar short

On Wednesday my wife and I were at the Xcel Energy Center (home of the Minnesota Wild) with fellow Frater Saint Paul, Ed from Captain's Quarters, and Mitch Berg from Shot in the Dark. We were attending a rally for President Bush. Accounts of the event have already been provided by Ed, Mitch, and Derek from Freedom Dogs. I don't have a heck of a lot to add to their recollections, so instead I've elected to provide my views on what went down in the form of grades.

Let's begin with the MC, talk radio hostess Laura Ingraham. From what Laura has said on her show, I gather that she didn't get much notice for this appearance. And it definitely showed. She seemed ill-prepared, unfocused, and at times downright confused. It didn't help that the sound system made her voice sound extra screechy. She is also not a naturally funny person. Her attempts at humor fell flat and she was generally uninspiring. Hewitt, Prager, and especially Medved could have done a much better job. I also found it odd that was she was never formally introduced. It was just assumed that we would all know how she was, and, judging by the reactions of people around me in the crowd, that was a faulty assumption. Grade: C

The opening invocation was short but sweet and didn't offend those of the non-Christian persuasion unlike the long-winded prayer dirge that opened the second day of the MN GOP State Convention. Grade B+

St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly merits a spilt score. On his political gamble to back Bush I give him an A-. On his performance on Wednesday I give him a C+. Charisma thy name is not Randy Kelly.

Memo to the doofus from the College Republicans: You are trying too hard son. Way too hard. Take off the "power" tie, unbutton your shirt, and stop with the histrionics. Grade: C-

In fact he should spend some time watching Colonel Joe Repya. The man is the real deal. He spoke from the heart and he spoke with passion. Plus great visual aids with Bush and Kerry bobble heads. Grade: A-

You're the Republican Party. You're having an event for the President. In St. Paul, a city where you desperately need to broaden your appeal. So when the time comes for someone from the local Bush/Cheney campaign team speak you choose a business owner from the wealthy suburb of Edina? Huh? Despite the speaker's assurance that the Edina vote was safely in the Bush column (whew-I was worried about that one) this was a terrible call. Why not put a blue collar guy from St. Paul up there? Grade: D+

Congressman John Kline did a fine job in the time he had. I think by the time he spoke the schedule was off and he had to rush a bit. Still overall he performed well. Grade: B+

Congressman Mark Kennedy brought some emotion to the event with the touching story of an Iraqi woman who visited him in Washington DC to learn about democracy. Grade: B+

Congressman Gil Gutknecht on the other hand was pathetic. And I'm ain't just talking about that silly excuse for a hair piece either. In a time when Republicans are trying to focus the electorate on the big issues of the day (the war and the economy) Gil chose to discuss four of the most trivial issues imaginable. And after we had just been told that Bush was a strong leader because he didn't base his decisions on opinion polls, Gil cited survey after survey showing that Americans supported the meaningless issues he was pushing. Gil from the Simpson's could have given a better speech. Grade: D--

Norm Coleman got the crowd out of their seats (those who had seats that is) with his list of ten reasons to vote for Bush. It wasn't a perfect performance, but even when Norm is not 100% he's still better than most. Grade: A-

And finally the big guy. W. I had been expecting a boilerplate twenty minute stump speech and so was pleasantly surprised when Bush's talk lasted nearly forty-five minutes. For the most part, I was buying what he was selling. Bush laid out the best post-invasion justification for going to war with Iraq that I've yet heard from him. I looked over at Captain Ed a couple of times during it, and we nodded in agreement that this is what voters need to hear over and over, from now until November. Bush also delivered a strong message on ownership and responsibility for all Americans. These are areas that I believe are critical in appealing to those Americans who consider themselves liberal, but tend to lead conservative lives. And he made me very happy by mentioning Social Security reform and how important that issue is for the younger, post-Boomer generations. There was some overlap and returning to previously discussed issues during the speech, and, with a bit of editing, he could probably have trimmed five minutes out without losing any context. But overall I was quite impressed with the man and his message. Grade: B+

The big question is, was it worth it? Worth the half-day of vacation that I took from work? Worth the wait outside to get in? Worth standing for close to five hours with no relief for my feets?

Undoubtedly yes.

That Not So Fresh Feeling

Nick Coleman attended the rally for President Bush on Wednesday. He must have slipped in after the Northern Alliance crew, because we were keeping an eye out for him as we stood in line to get into the Xcel Arena. We would have settled for any bald, surly, Peter Yarrow looking guys, wearing a Mao cap, sneering, skulking in the shadows. But none were to be seen and our sarcastic jibes and pointed criticism of his body of work were reserved for each other's ears alone.

Today Nick wrote a standard column about his attendance at the rally. Full of outright lies, distortions, ridiculing of religion, glorification of himself as a man of the people, and including his uncanny ability to find alleged misery in the brightest of settings. It really deserves to be taken apart bit by bit, but I can't do it. Why, you may ask? Because I am a victim of the most insidious plague to hit this town since Gopher Women's Basketball Fever a few months back.

Yes, I too am suffering from the early stages of Nick Coleman Fatigue. It's an affliction described by Sarah Janecek, in the Star Tribune on Wednesday, as:

"There's some degree of fatigue to these columns because they're such a hassle to read."

That's a strategic edit of Sarah's real comments, which were actually geared toward what the Star Tribune called, in conjuction with the Bush visit, "campaign fatigue".

But Nick Coleman Fatigue is real. Ask anyone who slogs through his windy, delusional, self-satisfied prose three times a week and they'll tell you, they'e got Nick Coleman Fatigue. They get tired, irritable, and despondent. In advanced cases, their hair starts to fall out, they grow a paunch, they quit paying their Marshall Fields credit card bills on time, they start sneering, laughing and their own jokes, and start driving around homeless shelters in their luxury cars, looking for misery to exploit for their own edification. If they were writing columns of their own in this state of mind, they'd probably read a lot like Nick Coleman. Which makes me wonder if Nick Coleman himself is the first victim of Nick Coleman Fatigue. (And it makes me wonder if his wife, Laura Billings of the Pioneer Press, is the real cause, the patient zero, of this epidemic.)

Based on the genuine and sustained excitement on display inside the Xcel on Wednesday afternoon, Nick Coleman Fatigue is a much greater threat to the mindsets of Twin Cities residents than anything associated with the Presidential race. Star Tribune, let this serve as notice. You're making us sick. Deal with Nick Coleman, before it's too late.

A Pox on Vox?

The Warrior Princess responds to Vox Day's anti-suffrage arguments:

As FL's unofficial token female, I felt a need to respond to the women's suffrage post.

How ironic, but not surprising, that women gained the right to vote because a man didn't have the balls to stand up to his mother. To Vox and other likeminded individuals who think women being able to vote has been bad for the country, you show me a generation of men who act like men (for my definition see Eph 5:25-33) instead of pansy mama's boys, then we can start talking about relinquishing our right to vote.

Drink to the Foam

Another Thursday night, another night of pursuing trivia at the hottest Irish Pub in town, Keegan’s in Minneapolis. And another victory was had. But not by us. Despite the cameo appearance of the lovely and talented and brilliant Warrior Princess on the squad, we finished well out of the money. Hans (sans Franz) and his party of trivia mercenaries showed up and showed us up. They surpassed our trivial abilities on this night by a full 10% (22 to 20, out of 25).

Based on this extraordinary accomplishment, Hans is clearly clearly a brilliant guy. Not surprising, since he's a weapons officer in the United States Navy. Hans is a St. Paul boy, currently on leave from his post on the destroyer USS Lassen, stationed in San Diego. After his win, Hans was good enough to come over and introduce himself as a loyal Fraters Libertas reader. Which was the least he could do, given the fact he literally took the free beer out of our desperately parched mouths.

But we’re always glad to meet the readers and to support our brave men in the armed forces. Hans is returning to the Lassen this week. According to him, they’re soon to establish home port in Japan and he’ll be serving an extended tour in the Pacific theater. No doubt the Lassen will be keeping an eye on the North Koreans. Knowing a capable officer and gentleman like Hans is on board makes me feel all the better about that situation. Especially a capable officer and gentleman who also knows what the name of the youngest sibling on “Party of Five” was.

We wish Hans good luck and to keep us posted on what happens over there, as I know all of us would like to read about it.

Other folks, active duty military or not, looking for a grand time on future Thursday nights, come down to Keegan’s. Meet the Fraters. And in the rare occurrence that you manage to Beat the Fraters, in addition to glory, a free beer may be yours.

One Man Radio Focus Group

Just listened to the now weekly audio brawl between Hugh Hewitt and Peter Beinart. It is interesting to hear such diametrically opposed viewpoints go head-to-head. But since each have their own agendas, and each are unwilling to stray from their plans, it degenerates pretty quickly into a babbling cacophony of stray talking points.

I blame Beinart, of course. It's HH's show, and Beinart should understand he has to address what Hugh wants to talk about, for as long as he wants to talk about it. Either because of his stubbornness or because he hasn't prepared for Hugh's topics, Beinart refuses to do so and we get the desperate squawking routine--today for two entire segments. Beinart's shrill, whiny delivery doesn't go over well when he's calmly, amicably discussing the issues. But when he's agitated, it gets to frenzied chihuahua howling levels.

My advice for Beinart is to get a sense of humor. Even if he insists on digging his heels in, most of these discussions could still be productive, and easy to listen to, if he'd accept Hugh's persistence in a good-natured fashion. I think Hugh's predatory prosecutor’s instincts kick in every time Beinart starts desperately thrashing about. A little genial laughter would ease the conversational vise grips a little bit. I don't know a single liberal in the media capable of genial, good-natured laughter, so perhaps I'm asking the impossible.

One more observation--I heard Beinart directly rip off George Will today. In the discussion of Iraq and Najaf, Beinart dropped a line about the new Iraqi government being illegitimate because it didn't have a monopoly on the legitimate use of violence. I'm paraphrasing of course, but his specific seleciton of words immediately brought me back to the Will column I read earlier this week:

If it is the prime minister's will, or that of Iraq's embryonic democratic institutions, to conduct with insurgent factions negotiations that strip the Iraqi state of an essential attribute of statehood--a monopoly on the legitimate exercise of violence--the U.S. presence will swiftly become untenable.

Shrill, whiny, agitated, and prone to ripping off others without attribution. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss Joshua Micah Marshall. At least he wasn’t prone to ripping off others without attribution.

UPDATE: What a sweet relief it is to hear the dulcet tones of Scott Johnson coming through now.