King Makers

The announcement that King Banaian has thrown his hat into the ring and officially entered the race for Minnesota House District 15B has the crack marketing staff here at Fraters Libertas world headquarters scrambling to come up with ways to help his campaign. Brains are being stormed, ideas are being run up flagpoles, stories are being boarded, and, in scenes right out of "Mad Men," copious amounts of cigarettes and Scotch are being consumed by well-coiffed, nattily-attired gentlemen. Well, at least the cigarettes and Scotch part is accurate.

Those of you in the same demographic cohort as King probably remember Eugene McCarthy's primary campaign for president in 1968 and the memorable tagline that his youthful volunteers adopted Getting Clean for Gene:

In addition to its "bring the troops home now" message, the McCarthy campaign also introduced new tactics into campaigning, ranging from its reliance on a core group of ideologically-motivated funders--presaging George Soros--door-to-door canvassers brought in from out of town, and, perhaps most memorably, a tactic which its young volunteers adopted known as "Clean for Gene." Viewed most simply, it involved long haired New Left types getting haircuts, before hitting the streets of Concord and Manchester.

Operating under the premise that there's really nothing new under the sun (and because we're far too drunk, lazy, and stupid to come up with anything original), we've decided to borrow plagiarize steal emulate the repetition of similar sounds from the McCarthy slogan in a manner befitting King, his volunteers, and our time. Here are some of the possibilities currently being considered:

* Searching Bing for King

* Willing to sing for King

* Wearing bling for King

* Taking wing for King (a little abstract)

* Making a zing for King

* Having a fling for King (this one has proved very popular with focus groups so far)

We hope to have this list pared down and a finalist green-lighted before March Madness kicks off later today, because after that no one is going to be doing any real work around here anyway. We're also been throwing some ideas for TV/radio spots at the wall and the only one that's really sticking so far is also a blatant rip-off of tribute to a politician from the past:

(Begin with King's voice)

Because you need me, Stearns County. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a King. That's why I'm doing this: to protect you from yourselves. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a house district to run.

(Fade out with "Every Man A King")


UPDATE: We've received a deluge of e-mails with more suggestions.

Beth from Golden Valley offers:

Banging Sting for King.

That doesn't seem particularly appropriate or germane to this topic, now does it?

T. Swift from St. Paul chimes in with:

Taking a swing for King.

Strictly in the metaphorical sense of course.

Desperate Hausfrau from Waite Park suggests:

Taking off my ring for King.

Hey now...

Finally, Atomizer from Eagan volunteers:

Drinking Coldspring for King.

Not exactly keeping with the spirit of sacrifice intended, but I guess we all have our part to play.