Unfortunately, it’s that time of year again. It’s the time when people have made
their resolutions to exercise more and, therefore, are crowding the fitness clubs
that people like me frequent at least twelve times a month year round. While it’s true that most of these
folks will give up on their unattainable goal within a month or so and return
to their couches with their Cheesy Poofs and their super sized Mountain Dew, I
feel it is necessary to go over some of my fitness club ground rules.
First, the basics.
Wipe the machine off after you’ve used it. Nobody wants to put their hands on the elliptical machine
handles that your sweat drenched paws just touched. There are disinfectant wipe dispensers all over the
place. Take ten seconds to use
them. It’s a common courtesy if
you’re not a self-absorbed jack wagon.
On a related note, don’t leave tissues, band-aids, empty
water bottles, sweaty towels or anything else at the machine after you are done
with it. If it wasn’t there when
you arrived, take it with you when you leave. It’s a common courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed
douchebag.
Next, if you have to open the safety pin attached to the locker key please
close the damn thing before you unlock your locker. Nothing is more unexpectedly painful than reaching to unlock
a locker and having a pin jammed into the skin between your thumb and
forefinger. It’s a common courtesy
if you’re not a self-absorbed chucklehead.
Lastly, and I’m distressed that I even have to mention this,
if I hold the door open for you, try to say “Thank you” or, at the very least,
acknowledge my presence rather than just walking through the open door and
carrying on with your life. It’s a
common courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed melon farmer.
Now then, on to locker room etiquette. Your dangly bits are not attractive and
should be covered as much as possible.
Shaving while naked is not acceptable. Standing at your locker and texting while naked is not acceptable. Rubbing moisturizer all over your naked
body is absolutely not acceptable.
I will concede that showering while naked is acceptable but I will never
set foot in that steam filled bacteria incubator so do what you want to in
there, just keep it in there.
Please try to remember, the locker room is not your personal
bathroom. You are sharing it with
dozens of other men. Behave
accordingly. It’s a common
courtesy if you’re not a self-absorbed slubberdegullion (ok, so I’m running out
of creative insults).
Bottom line here, people, is that you are sharing these
facilities with other humans. Try
to act like one while you are there.
