You're Not Going To Make It After All

Intruder falls asleep in Mary Tyler Moore house:

On an alcohol-fueled dare over the weekend, a Minneapolis man apparently broke into a multimillion-dollar house featured in the popular TV sitcom "The Mary Tyler Moore Show."

Minneapolis police, responding to a report of a break-in Saturday morning, found the 24-year-old man asleep in a second-floor bedroom with the television on and a remote control for a ceiling fan in his back pocket. His shoes were found on the third floor of the eight-bedroom, nine-bath Queen Anne Victorian in the Kenwood neighborhood.

"This guy's not using a lot of brains," said police Sgt. Gerald Moore.

That may be the understatement of the year. I like the fact that the headline says that he fell asleep too. Back in the day, we would call that passing out.

"Intoxication played a big role in this," said Fifth Precinct Inspector Kris Arneson, who oversees policing in the area.

"It's some kind of middle-of- the-night prank," Gerlach said.

The suspect has not been charged and doesn't have a record with Minneapolis police. He was in the Hennepin County jail Monday on suspicion of burglary and is not linked to any other break-ins.

"It doesn't sound like him at all," said Paul Yager, a friend of the suspect's who declined to say more.

A cleaning crew arrived at the house about 10 a.m. Saturday, saw the smashed doors and called police, who arrested the man without incident. He spoke briefly with Gerlach.

"He seemed stunned," Gerlach said. "He says, 'I'm sorry. I was drunk in the middle of the night and friends put me up to it.' I don't know if I can believe him, but that's what he said."

Hmmm...a young man waking up in jail after getting drunk and in trouble because of his friends? No, that doesn't seem plausible at all.

Upon further reflection, this story (and the lame headline accompanying it) demonstrates much of what's wrong with the Star Tribune and newspaper writing in general these days. The bottom line is that this is a FUNNY story. Guy gets loaded, succumbs to peer pressure, breaks into the Mary Tyler Moore house, and passes out. That's gold baby.

Speaking from personal experience, I can say with some certainty that after this young fellow puts his legal problems (which will likely amount to fines and restitution) behind him, this is a tale that he will be recounting and laughing about for years.

But in the hands of the Strib reporter, it's an achingly dull, by the numbers regurgitation of the facts and nothing but the facts. No humor, no wit, no whimsy, no flair. Bottom line: no fun. And that's not interesting writing.