Mass Confusion

Would someone tell me at what point priests started singing dang near the entire mass? Not only does it violate tradition and take much longer to get through, but most priests can't carry a tune in a bucket and listening to them trying to crow these contrived melodies is just painful. The blessing of the bread and wine is but one example where this bizarre Broadway sensibility seems to have taken hold. "Doooo this in memooooooreeeeee of meeeeee" acapella is just goofy. Stop it now.

And while I'm at it, I don't want to sing the Our Father neither. The melody is trite and lumbering and I refuse to play along. I'm also not raising my hands up as is the new custom in our parish during this prayer. Thankfully, the whole holding hands during the OF thing is gone but it's now replaced with the outstretched palms. It's dumb and Protestant, stop it now. Speaking of the holding hands nonsense, have you ever had someone reach for your hand when it's obvious you want no part of this Kumbaya BS? It has yet to happen to me, but I'm always ready to say "Sorry" and make a sheepish face if it ever comes up.

And another thing my fellow parishioners--don't act like you don't see me when I genuflect at your row and want in. Oh I know, you want to sit on the end of the pew for a quick getaway at the end of Mass but you're hogging enough room for an extended Hmong family there and it's just you and your wife so move it on over.

I've found that having a one year old in attendance is ample excuse-material to pretty much leave Mass at any time and just walk him around in the lobby. It is quite handy when a couple of do-gooders are given mic time to tell us about how great it is that they are spearheading an effort to haul more immigrants over here from Third World countries and install them in the community at the expense of the parish. Or any time the seemingly-endless pleading begins about the need for more funds for any of the hundreds of ways parishes waste my precious lucre. Whenever I see this unpleasantness start, I just grab him, give him a little pinch to get the waterworks going--thus assuring the necessity of the trip--and cruise to the lobby (singing in Burn's voice: "Let's all go to the lobby!". ED NOTE: Okay, I made the part about pinching him up. He's usually the one pinching me and I have never once gotten him back for it.

The Elder Amens: For the most part, I agree with JB. The singing of communal prayers has gotten out of hand. Rather than joining with you fellow church-goers in one voice and one mind to a familiar cadence, you're trying to figure out not to sound completely awful while noticing that 99% of the others singing, including the priest, do.

The cry room in our church--where we spend most of our time these days--is rather small, but it does have a couple of speakers that seems to be directly wired to the mic that the priest is wearing. So when he's singing a prayer, we get to clearly hear every flat and off-pitch note that he hits.