Our Man in Iran

Yesterday, the company which employs me received a letter from Iran. Not something most Minnesota companies can claim, except perhaps for various sleeper cell front organizations in South Minneapolis and perhaps the Metropolitan Council (Dear Mr.Mondale--Congratulations on your heavy handed tactics and brutal disregard of your citizens' opinions. Unyielding belief in religious dogma, whether it be radical Islam or Smart Growth, can never be subordinated to the will of the people, otherwise what would be the point of being an unelected despot? Keep up the good work. Yours in spirit, Supreme Leader of the Islamic Revolution, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei).

Since my company is in the business of sending surveys out via the mail, and typically our clients are magazine publishing companies, undoubtedly this Iranian gentleman was a recipient of a publication we were researching. Maybe a farming title such as Pigs International or a medical tome like The Journal of Joint and Bone Surgery. Or maybe one of the niche publications, like Advances in Puss Discharge Research Weekly or most probably Modern Arab Magazine (whose New Technology Products Showcase issue recently profiled the Guttenberg Printing Press and Charles Babbage's Difference Engine).

As you'll see below, the spirit of his correspondence was undeniably friendly and professional, at least by Iranian standards (by that I mean he didn't threaten to remove my spleen with his rusty scarab knife). And I have to give him credit for his very serviceable use of the English language, since my Farsi response will be nearly unintelligible. The exact text is as follows:

To: Mr. [Saint Paul]

1 - Many thanks for your letter
2 - Also many thanks for the same of one $ ; which I will keep it as a memory
3 - You will find the complted; survey;sheets:attached
4 - Attached to the survey you will find a memorial money
5 - If there is any thing which I can do for you , please do not hesitate.

Any thing?--Well how's about overthrowing your country's tyrannical regime? Or maybe just ease up on that "Great Satan" thing just a tad, we're starting to get a complex over here. I suggest "Great Inconveniencer" instead.

I was also surprised to find out that our company would send a US dollar bill to a place like Iran. I assume being caught with the money of the infidel would result in government agents performing the drum solo from Wipeout on the soles of your feet. Needless to say, that tends to have a negative affect on response rates.

After his letter, he left his phone number, fax number, and complete mailing address. (This guy really has no fear--and I don't mean of his government, rather of receiving a crushing influx of follow-up direct mail marketing materials based on his responses--a fear that paralyzes most Americans). And best of all, he included his self-described "memorial money" which upon further review was a Iranian 2,000 Rial bill.

It's a very attractive, ornate bill, about the size of a US dollar, multicolored and complete with many of the anti-counterfeiting measures I recognize from our own currency. It also includes something we should consider, that is a watermark of a face that looks exactly like a cross between the Buddha and O.J. Simpson (really).

The main images are an engraving of the Ka'ab shrine in Mecca on front, and on back an engraving of 13 scruffy looking angry mob types, holding aloft flags and automatic weapons, with a guy in the front lovingly cradling a poster of Ayatollah Khomeni. I believe this is a tribute to the 1979 Islamist revolution and it also may be the first and last time the legendary "Arab Street" has actually gotten together. My guess is that most of these guys got real jobs, got married and moved to the suburbs and their wives don't allow them to ululate with the boys on Saturday nights anymore.

I was impressed by this man's gesture, as we usually don't get anything in return from our respondents (other than their entire financial histories and painstakingly detailed records of their personal habits--and all for the recompense of one dollar). I also suspect most Iranians don't usually have 2,000 rials to pitch around with impunity. However, upon researching the exchange rate, my admiration was diminished somewhat. As of October 22, one US dollar was worth 7,941 Iranian Rials. Which makes his gift worth all of about 25 cents.

I don't know what the standards of appreciation are in Iran (maybe I should ask Salman Rushdie), but I know what they are in Minnesota. Meaning, my return note to our Persian pen pal will consist of the following: "Dear Sir--thanks for the kind words and gift. I suppose it was a nice thought, but unfortunately for you, there's no one working here by the name of Jack Squat!"

Anybody out there able to translate that into Farsi?