Fraters Libertas

The Trial of Christopher Hitchens

Comments from Christopher Hitchens, upon watching Twin Cities television station KMSP (Channel 9) lead their news broadcast with a breathlessly hyped story on the Dixie Chicks performing in St. Paul last night:

"Each day they dig up dead bodies in personal death camps run by a Caligula dictator," Hitchens shouted, "and I'm being asked to worry about these f*cking fat slags - do me a favour!"

Well I’m sure that’s what he would have said had he been hanging around in my apartment last night when I made the mistake of straying over to the local news between innings of the Twins-Padres game and was confronted with the misguided news priorities of the local Fox affiliate.

Instead, Hitchens gave those comments at the Hay-on-Wye literary festival in Wales. Which seems like a strange place to be commenting on the Dixie Chicks. But, according to reports, popular music criticism is becoming more and more popular at this festival. In fact, just the other day an up and coming Welsh music critic (whom some are calling the John Bream of Cardiff), had this to say about J. Lo’s recent album: “O, Jenny's a' weet, poor body, Jenny's seldom dry; She draigl't a' her petticoattie Comin thro' the block.”

But if Mr. Hitchens had been in my apartment delivering his comments, I would have reflexively cackled at his choice of words and I would have wholeheartedly concurred with his larger point about the unfortunate emphasis the mainstream media puts on stories of this nature.

And then I would have taken this Limey bastard apart for his mischaracterization of the looks of these fine specimens of American femininity. The Dixie Chicks - fat? Are you nuts! The two taller ones, sisters I believe, are model quality thin. Plus they have model quality faces, beautiful singing voices and the skills to competently play a number of instruments. These characteristics combine to make a woman something of a catch, not a slag.

Which brings us to Natalie, the little Dixie Chick, to whom I’m sure Mr. Hitchens comments were primarily aimed. Despite the backlash fueled popular consensus, Let me correct the record once and for all - she’s not fat!

Yes, she’s shorter and curvier than her two band mates and in context may suffer from the comparison. But that’s only because the context is so sublime. If her band mates consisted of some actual fat people, say Rosie O’Donnell, Oprah Winphrey and well, Christopher Hitchens, would anybody really accuse her of being fat?

She could probably lose a few pounds, but only if the goal was to meet the extreme standards set by entertainment industry in this country. You see Natalie on the street, mixed in with the general population, and she’s in the top quintile of attractive female bodies in this country (and that’s good enough for me).

Plus she has lost some weight over the years, now looking slimmer than ever. A few years back when she was carrying a few more extra LBs she was still really cute. In the way that a little, baby fuzzy chick is cute. In fact, with her shorter hair, little upturned nose and slightly pudgy cheeks, she actually looked like a little baby chick. Check it out. Natalie. And an actual chick.

Combine her looks with her beautiful voice, her songwriting skills and musical talents and the judgment is clear - Natalie Maines, not guilty of being a fat slag.

Christopher Hitchens, sorry I had to expose your lies in this court of public opinion, but you crossed the line and it had to be done. Next time perhaps you ought to stick to targets more vulnerable to criticism. Like Mother Theresa.