Shiite Swarm

Another update has arrived from the Hallmark Channel on the much anticipated premier of "Shark Swarm," the THREE HOUR "mean vs. green" epic that we brought to your attention earlier. It answers some of the questions raised in the previous post:

Daryl Hannah stars as Brooke Wilder, whose husband (John Schneider) refuses to sell their land to a developer (Armand Assante) who is dumping toxic waste into the local waters in order to dry up the fishing trade. When the dumping causes frightening changes in the local shark population, Brooke and her family will need their courage more than ever.

Armand Assante stars as Hamilton Lux, a greedy developer who dumps toxic waste into a California bay in an attempt to get the locals to sell their land. But when his actions result in mutations to the bay's sharks, which begin attacking in organized, precise groups, there may not be a town left to buy!

Now we know the developer's motivation for dumping the toxic waste (other than being mean). But other questions now arise. Such as, would it possible to come up with more obvious names for characters?

As Atomizer noted in an e-mail, naming the villain Hamilton Lux is perfectly contrived pretentiousness. Just in case you didn't feel the mallet whacking you over the head, they name the heroic fishing family fighting the evil developer "The Wilders." Get it? Wild as in nature. They even throw in "Brooke" for good measure. I'm surprised that didn't name John Schneider's character "Oak Wilder" to leave absolutely no doubt as to the fact that he was on the side of the angels (it also would have been an accurate characterization of his acting skills).

JB chimed in via e-mail as well:

The Armand Assante character looks like a potential new hero for us!

They've taken the cliché all the way! He even has the cigar!

Indeed they have. This is the picture of Hamilton Lux that was included in the promotional e-mail. Looks like he's having a great time with cigar, G&T, and shades on an all-but-empty beach. He is the good guy, right?

JB has a few questions too:

This is going to be great.

Two questions:

Does Daryl Hannah use her status as a Mermaid to help?

And is Bo going to take out any of the sharks with them dynamite arrows like he did to Uncle Jessie's outhouse?

We can only hope. This is really going to be a can't miss event. And it's THREE HOURS long. Saint Paul notes:

It's THREE HOURS long?! The Godfather got out what it needed to say about 2.5. This clearly has more depth and nuance to unveil.

Indeed. And the potential for mockery at the laugh out loud absurdity of the movie is really limitless. We've been talking about having a viewing party at one of our houses, but now I'm thinking this could be bigger than that. We should get a bar to host and have a first ever Fraters Libertas movie screening event. Hey, if the guys at Power Line can do it, so can we.

If that doesn't work out, we can always do something for the premier of Sisyphus' debut screenwriting effort:

This will be awesome. I'll bet the developer kills some of Darryl's mermaid friends and makes this personal. The only downside is that this type of Hollywood movie never has a happy ending.

I am working on a screenplay where the crusading developer takes on evil environmentalists whom are bent on putting people out of work. It WILL have a happy ending.

Greenlight that baby!