Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I Could Use A Lemon Squeezer

From the June issue of Modern Drunkard (via Discovery News) comes this tale of some very happy monkeys:
It turns out that being "drunk as a monkey" isn't an insult after all, say scientists. Monkeys drink more alcohol when housed alone, and some like to end a long day in the lab with a boozy cocktail, according to a new analysis of alcohol consumption among members of a rhesus macaque social group.
Perfectly respectable behavior for monkey or man, I must say.
In the study subjects, "blood alcohol levels often exceeded the .08 percent level, which is the legal limit for most states in the U.S.," said Scott Chen, one of the study's authors.
I'm assuming Mr. Chen is referring to the limit at which it is illegal for most American humans to operate a motor vehicle as I am unaware of any state laws that prohibit monkeys from drinking well past the .08 mark if they so choose.
The study also found that booze affects monkeys much the same way it affects people.

"It was not unusual to see some of the monkeys stumble and fall, sway, and vomit," Chen added. "In a few of our heavy drinkers, they would drink until they fell asleep."
Hmmm...sounds like a typical day here at the sprawling suburban headquarters of Fraters Libertas. Especially the monkey vomit. This place is rife with the stuff ever since JB left without telling us where he kept the mop.
In another study, the scientists gave a group of male monkeys 24-hour access to the beverage dispensers. According to the researchers, a spike in consumption immediately followed the facility's working hours.

"Like humans, monkeys are more likely to drink after stressful periods, such as soon after the daily 8-5 testing hours and after a long week of testing," said Chen.
Let me get this straight...after going on daily nine hour benders for weeks at a time (hardly a stresssful activity) these monkeys had the fortitude to kick it into heavy drinking gear once all of the scientists left each night?

Man, I have GOT to find a way to party with those little dudes.

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