Fraters Libertas

Rocky Mountain Lockdown

Tim reports from Parker, Colorado on security precautions taken since 12/13:

Now let's move on to what has happened here in Colorado over the last year. Governor Owens has taken serious steps to providing a safe and secure state. First, he created a Homestate Security Department with a Director of Homestate Security, and no, Hugh, you cannot have that title. I know it seems drastic, but if it saves just one life then it will be worth it (jeepers, I'm starting to sound like a bleeding heart lib).

All out-of-state visitors will be given a simple test. The test will consist of questions about wine, music, hockey, football, baseball and the Colorado mountains. Because this is such a wide range of subjects, everybody will know something about one of those subjects and will undoubtedly pass and be welcomed into our fine state. Except Hugh; who knows nothing about those subjects. But as we Coloradans love to share our outdoors with all out-of-state guests, especially those with money, we will not prevent Hugh from enjoying our spectacular Rocky Mountain wilderness. But we did have to establish a few simple precautions.

First, his picture will be posted at all points of entry; I think the picture of him in a hockey helmet captures his essence. Second, he must wear fluorescent orange clothing, head-to-toe at all times, so he can easily be spotted from a distance. Third, Hugh must also wear a helmet at all times. He will understandably balk at this at first, but if we tell him it is the same helmet Maurice Clarett wore while driving cars around while attending Ohio State, I'm sure Hugh will put it on before you can get to the part about the cash Maurice found in the trunks of all those cars. Fourth, we will have two forms of mechanized travel available to visitors; one form for those that exhibit a high to low level of aptitude, and one form for Hugh. Most people will be allowed to operate bikes, scooters, ATVs, snowmobiles, motorcycles, cars, etc., just like us locals. Then there is the equipment Hugh will be allowed to operate. We have found a way for Hugh to safely operate the same equipment without endangering everybody within a seven county area. Hugh's mechanized equipment will have special rails that keep the equipment within a set track, very much like the car rides at the county fair. So don't be alarmed if you're out enjoying the scenic beauty of the Rockies and you come across a single steel rail on a trail; that's so Hugh can also enjoy the Rocky Mountain outdoors. But I wouldn't stand there very long; if you see a fluorescent blot in the distance wearing an Ohio State crash helmet, you best be moving along. Why tempt fate?

We're still developing contingency plans in case Hugh decides he would like to try skiing, skating, or tubing, but given that his knees are not so good, we have more time for these activities. If he decides to take up fishing or hunting, we will have to go to an elevated alert level.

I know this all sounds over-the-top, but it's for the kids, and I know this is something we can all get behind (jeeze, there I go again).