You've Ruined Another Christmas

It is with regret I have to inform you, the viewing public, that you already missed the one and only airing of A Charlie Brown Christmas.

Yes, it has come and gone and December hasn't even started yet. The programming wizards, and presumptive Satanists, at ABC put it on this past Tuesday. A mere 5 days after Thanksgiving and 9 days after they ran A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving! Are they mad!

It is an outrage, it is a travesty, it is an abomination. No right thinking American expects it to be on this early. And since Monday Night Football was moved to ESPN there are exactly zero reasons to ever intentionally turn the channel to ABC. How in the name of Rankin and Bass are we supposed to catch this holiday classic? ABC, I condemn you. May you spend the afterlife watching reruns of According to Jim for an eternity.

After some research, I am relieved to report that none of the other holiday classics have passed us by this year. They are all still on the horizon, though bearing down on us like a freight train. (Really, why don't they wait until we're closer to the big day before showing these? With Linus's poignant reading of Luke 2: 8-14, Charlie Brown Christmas would be the perfect Christmas eve fare. As Charles Schultz himself is reported to have said: If we don't tell the true meaning of Christmas, who will?).

Circle these dates on your calendar so you don't miss the other must-sees this season:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - the all-time classic, nothing else need be said. Next Friday, Dec. 8, at 7 PM central on CBS.

Rudolph's Shiny New Year - an underappreciated gem. Rudolph, Ben Franklin, and a cave man (voiced by Morey Amsterdam) in a fight for the future. Inexplicably relegated to cable, ABC Family (Comcast channel 46), next Saturday, December 9 at 3 PM.

Gack! a conflict with NARN 3: The Final Word on AM1280 the Patriot. Which is a show about a political operative and economist (coincidentally, voiced by Morey Amsterdam) in a fight for the future. Never fear, Shiny New Year reruns during prime time on Dec. 13 , 22, and 24. But strangely NOT on Dec. 31.

Santa Claus is Coming to Town - Kris Kringle from cradle to the fat, bald, old scamp we know him as today. Featuring Fred Astaire, Burgermiester Miesterburger, and the Winter Warlock singing one of the catchiest songs of the holiday stop animation oeuvre, "Put One Foot in Front of the Other". It's must see TV. Tuesday, Dec. 5 at 7 PM on, hold your nose, ABC.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas - Tuesday, December 12, 7:00 PM on, you guessed it, ABC. The "According to Jim" fan base will be beside themselves, it's pre-empted for the third week in a row!

Note, this is the Boris Karloff narrated cartoon version, the 40th anniversary showing no less. The inferior, live action Jim Carey vehicle is also on ABC, Saturday December 9 at 7 PM.

Year Without a Santa Claus - A different view of Jolly Old St. Nicholas, as a vain, hypochondriac, prima donna. He comes down with the sniffles and threatens to pull the plug on the whole she-bang. I don't recall how this situation was resolved, but I do remember the appearances by the Heat Miser-Cold Miser brothers were worth the price of admission. Airs on ABC Family, THIS FRIDAY, at 7 PM. Reruns on the same channel on December 3 at 9 PM, December 13 at 8 PM, December 15 at 6 PM, and December 24 at 8 PM.

Believe it or not, NBC is premiering a live-action remake of this cartoon next Monday, December 11 at 8 PM. Don't know much about it, except Heat Miser is being played by a gay cross dresser and Cold Miser by the less funny member of the Lenny-Squiggy tandem. If ever there was a night for a very special episode of According to Jim to score in the ratings, this would be it!

And finally, the highlight of any Christmas season . . .

Midnight Mass from St. Peter's Basilica - featuring the Vicar of Christ himself, Pope Benedict XVI, and the heavenly host, LIVE! on EWTN (Comcast channel 21) on Christmas Eve at midnight Vatican time, and usually a replay at 12 midnight local time on one of the network affiliates. Not sure which one, but I know it's not ABC, since they'd schedule it to run sometime around Dec. 16.

Enjoy! And happy holiday TV watching from Fraters Libertas.

UPDATE--The Elder Adds: Don't forget THE Christmas classic movie for the ages, "A Christmas Story," which will air on TBS for twenty-four straight hours beginning on Christmas Eve at 8pm eastern time. You can flip back and forth between it and the Pope's Christmas Mass.