Fraters Libertas

Her Cheatin' Heart?

Today was the last installation of a four part series on infidelity in the Star Tribune. The series focused on one couple's struggles to overcome a little steppin' out by the little lady and to save their marriage. In case you're wondering they did manage to work things out in the end.

When the series started there was a section called How common is infidelity? which gave some estimates on the prevalance of infidelity today. According to "mid-range estimates" 44% of husbands and 25% of wives cheat at some point in their marriages.

These numbers tend to bear out what is still probably the accepted conventional wisdom on infidelity. The horny hubby is out having a romp with a younger, more attractive bimbo while the poor wife's at home taking care of the kids and the house. I'm not saying that this still doesn't happen because I'm sure it does. But if my own observations are in anyway applicable to society on a larger scale we might have to revise our notions of infidelity.

I've played on the same men's recreational hockey team for about ten years. During that time there have been a number of different players on the team. Five have gone through divorces. While it's always hard to know the whole story behind each divorce, from what I've heard each of the five breakups were initiated by the wives. In three of the divorces the wife was cheating although in only one case was that initially apparent. In the the other two the women claimed to be in need of "more space" or "just needed to be alone for a while". Later the information emerged that, in fact, they had already been carrying on affairs. And ,while acknowledging that I might not be getting the whole truth and nothing but the truth, to the best of my knowledge none of the men involved had been unfaithful.

Now I'm not saying that this is irrefutable proof that women are cheating more. This is a very small and specific sampling of the general population. Maybe guys who play hockey are losers who drive women into the arms of other men (Say it ain't so!). But it does cause me to raise my eyebrows a bit and wonder why.

The way I see it there are two main factors at work here:

1. The ever increasing number of women in the workplace. (Yes I've heard about the Lindberg baby smartass.) I know that women working is hardly a new phenomenon. But men and women are working side by side in the same industries and professions now more than ever before. And the workplace has become for infidelity what the locker room floor is for athletes foot; a breeding ground. From the Strib piece:

Baltimore psychologist Shirley P. Glass raises an alarm over these developments in particular:

Friendships, especially at work, that start as healthy connections and then slide down that proverbial slippery slope into romance. This is not the old boss-beguiles-secretary routine. It's two people drawn close because they share a big piece of their lives.

2. The Feminist movement of the 60's and 70's told women they could have it all: Career, love, and family. This in turn raised expectations of what women wanted in men. It used to be that it was wives who had a hard time measuring up to the often unrealistic expectations of their husbands to raise the kids, manage the household, and still be sexually attractive and interested. Now women increasingly expect men to still be able to provide for them in addition to being a good father, and satisfying their needs both sexually and emotionally. He has to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, be a stud between the sheets, as well as a sensitive listener. These days that's proving to be a tall order for some men to fill and it leaves their wives disappointed. Maybe they can't have it all after all.

Perhaps all this is an inevitable result of women wanting to be treated more like men. I'm sure that certain folks would welcome the fact, if it is indeed true, that women are cheating more and see it as progress towards their notion of true equality. I might add a warning to be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

One thing is certain.

This ain't just your father's infidelity anymore.