Fraters Libertas

Ann Coulter - Get On My Side (Positions Now Available)

In his post below, the Elder makes a good point in questioning the qualifications of Andrew Sullivan in assessing the “babehood” of Ann Coulter. And while the Elder does a workmanlike job of getting to the essence of the Coulter mystique, it appears we need a true connoisseur of women to weigh in on this burgeoning controversy. Someone whose commitment to ethnic diversity when it comes to affairs of the heart has caused at least one observer to note he has a “sexual history that looks like America,” (with the iron clad exception of Hopkins, MN). A man for whom ‘Knockin’ Boots’ is not only his favorite R&B/rap anthem of the early 90’s - it’s a way of life.

But since Dave Thompson is no longer available for comment, I guess I’ll jump in on this one. Ann Coulter is not pretty. But she is sexy.

She’s prevented from being pretty primarily by her the size of her beak. Plus she’s too thin, especially in her arms and legs, which have a wiry, Willem Dafoe quality to them. These characteristics will prevent her from ever appearing on the cover of Maxim (although a starring role in “The Last Temptation of Christ II” is not out of the question).

She does have a few assets that are pretty. Specifically, her long, golden tresses. Beautiful, silky blonde hair flowing down past her shoulders. It’s a trait no man can resist. In fact, it’s such a rare and prized genetic trait that most men can ignore the rest of her face to focus only on that (which is what I do during her televised appearances). Even better, I think it’s her natural color. If it’s not, that does lessen her stature, since I don’t t think I’d get the same thrill staring at Ms. Coulter’s monster schnoz and a bottle of bleach.

But why exactly is Ann Coulter sexy? In response to this I’m tempted to quote US Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart’s famous definition of pornography (“big beautiful balloons”).

Upon further introspection into my desires ..... (How’s that for a scary sentence fragment? Don’t worry, I’ll keep it clean. And I’ll leave out the part about the duck.) ...... I’ve come to the conclusion: it’s her personality. Well, it’s not all about her personality. Because if she didn’t at least attain a minimum standard of physical beauty, this conversation wouldn’t be happening. But a lot of it is her personality. She’s fiery, combative, passionate. Seeing a woman articulately defend her core beliefs in this matter is sexy, even more so since she happens to have core beliefs worth defending. You get the sense that you could have a lifetime of intellectually stimulating, provocative conversations with her.

However, this use of her passion in an official capacity isn’t the whole story of her appeal. Because at some subconscious level, while watching her mix it up with the wolves on cable news, you can’t help but think that her energy and fire and enthusiasm could be channeled into more, shall we say, “productive” pursuits. Without getting too graphic, you get the sense she’s the kind of woman Monty Python-era Eric Idle would refer to as “a bit of a goer” (wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?).

And that my friends, is sexy, no matter how huge her honker. (Plus after the lovin’ think of the conversations you could have!)