BelligerANTS

While on vacation last week in Colorado I stayed at a palatial mountain home near Breckenridge. It was truly a magnificent abode with stunning views. My only complaint, other than the slothy dial up internet connection?

Ants.

In the home. Not many but you could see signs that trouble was on the horizon. While reading on the deck one afternoon I had to fend off several of them who penetrated through the floor and were exploring for food (or my beer which I valiantly defended). You would also find them in the bathrooms, bedroom, or kitchen on a regular basis usually in small groups on one or two.

But it was in the yard that the true extent of the threat could be observed. Formidable anthills surrounded the house on all sides. A mere footfall or poke with a stick on one of these redoubts would cause thousands to swarm out in seconds to seek out the source of the intrusion. I had the sense that the ants were tightening the noose around the house moving their hills inexorably closer by the day like the Viet Minh trenches slowly shrinking the perimeter and strangling the French defenders at Dien Bien Phu.

It was not my house. It was not my fight.

But just a few weeks ago it was. One Thursday morning as I prepared to depart for my 6:00am pre-work skate I was alerted to an ant incursion in my home. These were small ants (I believe piss ants is the proper scientific term), more of a nuisance than a real threat. But there were more than simply a few scouts. It was a reconnaissance in force. A long column stretched from the side door deep into the kitchen (the Promised Land for ants).

After my initial surprise wore off I stepped into action laying down a chemical barrage at the rear (outside) to cut off the column and prevent retreat. Then I used more conventional means (my feet) to mop up the remaining forces. I continued to monitor the field of battle for some moments afterward to make sure that any stragglers were dealt with appropriately.

I had won the battle but it was merely another small incident in a long war.

There was a time in my youth when I actually was quite pro-ant. My Mom still reminds me that I once explained to her that "ants are my friends". Ah the innocence of children.

As I grew with age and responsibility my opinion of ants began to change. My naive assumption that it was possible to win the hearts and minds of these aggressively expansive insects was soon shattered. Once I was old enough to mow my parent's lawn I was able to witness first hand the destruction that these creatures could sow. Anthills could spring up quickly and soon overtook patches of the lawn. They must be dealt with.

I soon learned that merely smashing the hills and squashing a few ants was not the solution. Nor was the use of explosive devices. While fun to deliver, Black Cats inserted into the tunnel openings did little lasting damage. After having what appeared to be some initial success with hydrological warfare (a garden hose recreating the Great Flood-"Where's your Noah now?") I was disappointed to see the ants rebuild their colonies within a day or two.

Finally after much experimentation I arrived at the Final Solution to the problem. First a thorough saturation of the ant hills with chemical agents (Raid, etc.) . Followed up with a devastating incendiary assault usually employing lawn mower gasoline and a ignition device such as a kitchen match. The results left the hills looking like Hiroshima in 1945, barren and completely devoid of life. I had found the ultimate weapon.

Unfortunately my rain of chemical fire also destroyed any remaining grass in or near the hills and hence my Dad was not particularly fond of my methods and the collateral damage that resulted. I was therefore deprived of total victory by having my most effective weapons taken off the table.

But I had learned many valuable lessons. And when one day I had a home of my own I came to regard ants the same way Reagan regarded Communists in Central America:

1. They must not be allowed to gain a foothold

2. And it was better to fight them in El Salvador (my yard) than in California (my house).

When you go to war with ants it is total war and half measures are sure to fail. Other than boosting you own morale body counts are a poor indicator of success. You must take the fight to where the enemy lives.

So these days I keep a constant vigil for ant activities around my home and on occasion will launch spoiling attacks to forestall future ant operations inside my compound. During certain periods of the year ants will conduct a reproductive swarm where winged males and females will emerge from the hills and scatter to attempt to form new colonies. It is an excellent time to conduct chemical operations against them as you rarely find such large numbers so exposed.

I also enlist the aid of allies within my home during the summer months to limit ant incursions. To help interdict ant traffic I discretely allow spiders (for some reason my wife doesn't appreciate the need for my arachnid alliances) to set up shop along known ant routes. They can prove quite effective in their efforts and watching a spider wrap up one of the intruders to snack on later can really be quite enjoyable.

Unfortunately, I have been forced to tolerate a major ant presence only a few yards from my front door for the last few years. Carpenter ants have established themselves in a rather large and old tree in my front yard. I refer to the stronghold as the Black Tower. Two years ago they launched a campaign to overrun my house through (and around) the front entryway and it was only through extreme vigilance and devastating responses that I was able to turn back the assault. Up to this point I have not elected to enlist mercenaries (an exterminator) with the means to eliminate the carpenter ant base but instead have opted for a policy of containment.

MacArthur was never allowed to realize his plans to use nuclear devices to radiate the Yalu River and prevent Chinese troops and supplies from entering North Korea but I have embraced his strategy and have laid down a toxic belt of powdered ant poison around the tree (and have established a smaller secondary barrier around the front entry) to deny the carpenter ants access. For the most part this has proved to be an effective approach although the defensive system does require regular maintenance as rain tends to wash the powder away.

Another minor victory in a long and never ending war. The ants will be back someday. Someday soon. But I'll be ready. I always am.