Fraters Libertas

The Atomizer's Mom Has Got It Going On

The Atomizer's mother sent us a note saying that her boy has a tummy ache and won't be reporting to the office today to finish up his latest update on the future status of First Avenue. Speculation now is that it may become the world's largest Bennigan's.

She also sent along this missive, laying down some of the immutable laws of trivia at Keegan's Irish pub (owned and operated by Terry Keegan) for our benefit:

The appellation of the Atomizer Clan has been besmirched in the blogosphere, and as matriarch, I must respond. Not in defense of our good pseudonym, for it needs none, but rather to explain to you some of the finer points of Tuesday Trivia at Keegan’s.

Rule Number One: There Is No Whining in Trivia (TINWIT).

As Terry is wont to repeat, he is the judge of all questions, the arbiter of all disputes, and probably the Lord High Executioner as well. (We have seen him in action in the first two capacities but are reluctant to test him on the third.)

Anyway, when Team K complained that we were cheated out of a run-of-the-board win simply because we neglected to add Jr. to the correct answer of Cal Ripken, Terry unfeelingly responded TINWIT. We are still smarting.

Rule Number Two: As Tuesday Trivia Titan, Terry retains the prerogative to ask the same question more than once and also to change the answer.

To wit: One week the question was “What was the first English settlement in America?” Team K astutely answered Jamestown, but alas the answer was announced as Roanoke. In a subsequent contest, the same question was asked. Being fast learners, Team K answered Roanoke, but the official response that week was Jamestown.

Did we complain? No, because TINWIT.

Rule Number Three: Although there can be only four players on a team, this does not preclude the presence of onlookers, admirers and other gaping groupies (some people just like to observe greatness). So when you see more than the officially allowed number around a table (including the after-quiz visits with the publicans), do not assume malfeasance.

As for our purported generational advantage, with the exception of one week when Grandma Atomizer was visiting, Team K does not play with “various generations,” but rather with exactly two. The grandkids don’t participate because (a) 8 o’clock is their bedtime, (b) they think Guinness is yucky, and (c) they know very little about fey English poetry (although they probably could have fielded the Barbie question – maybe you need a toddler on your team!).

Furthermore, since you are relative newcomers to the games, you may not be aware that Team K usually competes and wins with just three players and sometimes with only two. In these instances we have made the case to the innkeeper that we deserve four free drinks, and maybe two extra for playing with a handicap. But you guessed his answer: TINWIT!

You also may not know that although currently we are on a roll, there have been dry spells (literally) when the mighty Morgans, the sassy Stoltzes, the conquering Curb Feelers and a few other upstarts have emerged victorious. In these instances we have graciously congratulated the winners and asked them humbly, “How the hell did you know that Norman Hartnell designed Queen Elizabeth’s wedding dress???”

Perhaps your team would do better at the new Trivia Lite to be inaugurated soon. Team K readily admits that we would do very badly at questions pegged to pop culture of the 80’s and 90’s. That, in fact, was proven the week the Keegans were in Ireland and young Master Marty usurped the role of quizmaster. I think we scored a big 10 that night. But rather than consider it a defeat, we wear the loss as a badge of honor. After all, who can really take pride in knowing the first names of Starsky and Hutch or that Punky Brewster’s mother abandoned her in a supermarket?

Rather than stuffing our heads with such fluff, we were busy during that era with more pressing matters (like changing the diapers or financing the maybe-not-so-comprehensive educations of those who now seem to care about such things).

But if you choose to continue playing with the big kids, we wish you luck in recruiting a savvy senior citizen to help you out. But be careful. Although living longer means one has more time to acquire knowledge, one frequently forgets what happened last week (shall we just say that granny’s attic can get a bit cluttered?). So vet your oldster well and send her forth for battle.

You are worthy competitors and you may gain wisdom with age (however it’s acquired) – but along the way: TINWIT!

Bring on the Starsky and Hutch questions baby.