Fraters Libertas

A New Sheriff in Town?

We've always enjoyed a fairly good relationship with talk radio host Hugh Hewitt. Last winter JB Doubtless and myself met Hugh at the Patriot's Hugh Hewitt on ice affair and even presented him with a Deserve Victory bumper sticker before they were available to the general public. (Sorry they are no longer for sale. Check E-bay under collectables.) Hugh was kind enough to plug our blog after the event and it appeared that a long lasting bond had been formed.

Of course even the best of friends have disagreements from time to time and during the NHL playoffs, we felt it was not appropriate for Hugh, dubbed Hockey Commissioner of Minnesota by Governor Pawlenty, to be cheering for the Ducks. When Hugh would not consider a reasonable proposition to alter his position on the Ducks-Wild playoff series we had no choice but to launch a recall drive to remove Hugh from office. A petition was prepared and hockey fans throughout Minnesota and the rest of country jumped on board to join the effort.

Hugh's response to our grass roots effort was severe and revealed a dark side to his outwardly magnanimous personality. Employing tactics that would have made Dzerzhinsk proud, Hugh sought to crush our burgeoning insurgency with threats and intimidation. Fortunately the Wild were dispatched by the Ducks before matters could really come to a head and a final showdown which could have proved disastrous for both parties was avoided.

Afterwards we managed to mend our fences with Hugh and once again enjoyed a friendly relationship. We even managed to help Hugh get into positions that he otherwise would not be physically capable of.

Just last Sunday three of us gents from Fraters spent a very enjoyable afternoon on the Patriot river cruise. We engaged in some interesting conversations with Hugh and Generalissimo Duane, among many others, and it seemed as if our connection with Mr. Hewitt was stronger than ever.

That's why Hugh's actions on Tuesday were so stunning and unforeseeable. It was Hugh's last day broadcasting from the Minnesota State Fair and The Atomizer was on hand to support Hugh and represent for the Fraters Libertas crew. It is important to recall that The Atomizer has only been on board here for about five months. He's still a little wet behind the ears and hasn't had too much experience with the rough and tumble world of blogging yet. He also had not felt the sting of Hugh's lash previously and had no reason to expect anything but a warm welcome from him.

But that wasn't what Hugh had in mind at all. When he saw the somewhat naive, innocent waif in his audience he licked his lips in anticipation. After inviting The Atomizer on the air under the pretext of talking about blogging, he savagely ambushed the poor, unprepared youth, with the help of his hired gun, a cutthroat local shyster who hurled legal invectives at The Atomizer until he was nearly reduced to tears. It was a classic example of attack journalism run amok.

Hugh attempted to justify his barbarous behavior by claiming that his appointment by Governor Pawlenty earlier in the day to the posts of Sheriff of Latin and Master of the High Horse gave him jurisdiction over our activities here at Fraters Libertas. It's quite obvious that this was not a spontaneous event, rather Hugh had been conniving for some time to find an opportunity to launch his bald faced power grab.

Now that Hugh has the reigns of additional control he is already showing signs of the egregious abuses that have marked his previous regimes. From his own web site:

Those who listened to yesterday's interview with Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty know that the Governor, who last year named me Commissioner of Hockey in MN, has now bestowed on me the titles and duties of Minnesota Sheriff of Latin and Master of the Horse. The responsibilities of the Sheriff are vast and concern the policing of all Latin usage in the Gopher State, and jurisdiction certainly extends over the website FratersLibertas.

I see no immediate need for changes at FL, but my jurisdiction is now complete, and continued complaints such as those voiced today by Atomizer may require sterner measures.

I shudder to imagine exactly what Hugh has in mind when he says "sterner measures". Apparently the sheriff Hugh aims to imitate is the notorious Sheriff of Nottingham.

Needless to say we are not going to sit back and allow Hugh to run roughshod over our sovereignty and the freedoms that we hold so dear. We understand that the fight will be a long and lonely one. We don't expect much help from our Northern Alliance brethren as this is not their fight. Besides Lileks has already been compromised and has much to fear if he winds up on the wrong side of the wrath of Hugh. He knows where Lileks lives and has likely saturated Jasperwood with listening devices and made imprints of the locks. You were wondering why Hugh was gone so long when he "went to the bathroom" weren't you James?

Yes this is our fight and our fight alone. But we are not afraid and we shall prevail. We appreciate the enormous advantage that Hugh, with his vast resources, enjoys over our group of humble bloggers but we shall not yield to his tyranny. He is Goliath. We are David. He is the British Redcoats. We are the American "yokels". He is the 1980 USSR hockey squad. We are Team USA. Do you believe in miracles?

After an emergency meeting last night of the Fraters general staff a detailed plan for a comprehensive response to Hugh's unprovoked aggression has been established.

Minnesota Theater of Operations:

On the legal front the Atomizer has drafted both his father and brother into service. They are preparing the framework to file counter suits against Hugh in Minnesota, for a variety of grievances which we have suffered, including breach of contract.

On the political front Minnesota State Senator Michele Bachmann is authoring a bill to be submitted at the next legislative session to rescind the honorary titles granted to Hugh by Governor Pawlenty and prohibit Hugh from ever receiving such titles again.

California Theater of Operations:

On the legal front we have enlisted James Phillips, a lawyer in Folsom, California to pursue possible legal actions against Hugh in his state of residence. James informs me that most of the judges he has spoken to would react positively to any attempt to move legally against Hugh and a few have even guaranteed that harsh and punitive penalties will be assessed on him.

In order to get "boots on the ground" we have activated Commander Rick, leader of a sleeper cell of the Fraters Fedayeen. Rick is operating out of an undisclosed, secure location in Southern California and will coordinate operations against Hugh in that area. The mission of the Fraters Fedayeen is to harass Hugh's lines of communication and supply. They will focus on interdicting supplies of material critical to Hugh including Diet Coke, Vitaganza, plain M&Ms, pretzels, and any future shipments of the Time Life Folk Collection music series. Special efforts will be made to deny Hugh the items he needs at the studio to carry out his shows which includes but is not limited to nacho cheese Doritos, crunchy Cheetos, and roll after roll of Sweet Tarts. The Fraters Fedayeen are a rather unsavory bunch and part of their mission is to strike fear into the hearts of their enemy. I would not be surprised if their actions would even cause Hugh's hair to gray prematurely. Wait, it's too late for that isn't it?

But there is still a chance that the outbreak of hostilities can be avoided. While we have carefully crafted our plans for countermeasures against Hugh, none of them have been launched yet. The keys have not been turned. The buttons have not been pushed. We can still come back from the brink.

We are reasonable gentlemen, and while our honor has been offended we still believe that a solution can be found that rectifies the situation. In a spirit of good will and understanding we offer the following settlement terms for Hugh's immediate consideration:

1. First and foremost Hugh must issue a public apology to The Atomizer for his atrocious conduct towards him at the State Fair. It also probably wouldn't hurt if Hugh bought him a Bombay Sapphire and tonic next time he is in town.

2. At any and all future public events that include Hugh in Minnesota, we will be guaranteed an on air appearance.

3. At any and all future public events that include Hugh in Minnesota, we shall be provided transportation to and from said event in a Jaguar.

4. We shall receive a 15% taste from any and all future advertisements on Hugh's show that include the term Northern Alliance.

5. The Time Life Folk Collection currently owned by Hugh shall be destroyed. Witnesses shall be present at the destruction and a documented record (preferably video) of it shall be made available to us. Hugh shall promise never to play bumper music that could be described as "folk" or any music from any Time Life collection in the future. A vigorous inspections program shall be established to insure and verify compliance.

We believe that these terms are fair and equitable. The dogs of war of straining at their leashes but have yet to be released. Let us all hope that Hugh makes a wise decision and we can avoid any further discord between our two parties and resume our previously productive and mutually beneficial relationship.