Fraters Libertas

Strangers In Paradise

With great relief we just received the overdue report from Madame X and her account of the Elder, JB Doubtless and their extended family cutting their swath through northern Wisconsin last week. Apparently she wasn’t compromised with extreme prejudice. She is in fact alive and well.

Well, she’s alive anyway. As to her being “well,” remember she still lives in Wisconsin. Here’s the truth of what happened last week:

It's summertime in the northwoods, and the livin' is easy. Fishing, shopping for cabin kitsch on Main Street, enjoying some homemade ice-cream from the town dairy, and of course the Lumberjack World Championship (check your ESPN2 listings). Hayward, Wisconsin is a little slice of heaven right here on earth - just ask the multitude of tourists who flock to our sleepy little town to experience the good life.

I'm never surprised to see the messages on the local motel marquees welcoming a seemingly endless parade of our summer guests: "Welcome Johnson Family Reunion", "Congratulations Bert and Ethel on Your 50th Anniversary", or “Mark Chmura Didn’t Sleep Here - We Promise.”

However, I was surprised by one message I read on Wednesday, on the marquee in front of the Comfort Suites. It shocked me to the point I nearly ran over a poor Iowan, characteristically crossing against the light to catch the evening lumberjack show.

WELCOME DOUBTLESS FAMILY MODEL T TOUR

Just to make sure they were indeed the same Doubtless family I knew, I placed a call to a trusted friend - we'll call him "Saint Paul." He assured me that they were indeed here - the entire Doubtless clan in their classic cars, roaming the streets of Hayward looking for good food, cheap beer, and bringing with them their exquisite conversation skills and abilities to make friends and influence people.

I went in to track them down, but they had already departed for the evening. But because I am a local resident of Hayward, I used my many connections in the front desk clerk/waitress network to track down this clan of sometimes-merry men (and their women). I found their itinerary included dining at a local supper club and imbibing at a local tavern or two.

However, before I could make contact, I had to watch the Hayward men's baseball league - the Mighty Hayward Hawks - in a battle royale against the dreaded Seeley men's baseball team - the hated Seeley Loggers. Who says there is nothing to do on a Wednesday night in Hayward? People from Seeley, that’s who. For those of you keeping score at home, the final score was Hawks - 3, Loggers - zip.

I finally made phone contact with the touring troubadours while they were back at their hotel. As I neared the Comfort Suites, I could feel the air become thick with all things Doubtless. (Yes,I hated the burning sensation. But frankly, I didn’t mind the itching). I entered the lobby to find the parade of ruddy, brooding men getting ready to march out and challenge the Hayward night. Unfortunately, they had made a poor decision in bar choice. Thank their lucky stars I was there in the nick of time to point them in the right direction and school them on the ways of where (and definitely where not) to go for a cocktail on a Wednesday evening.

I joined them for a couple of rounds, caught them up on all the latest Hayward news, and introduced them to one of my many brothers-in-law, who also happens to play for the victorious Hayward Hawks. When I left them, the jukebox was rocking, the teams had been chosen for pool, and the deep-seeded family resentments were just starting to be unearthed. In other words, they were doing just fine.

Alas, the Model T's have since rolled out of town and they’re no doubt off making friends in other cities. Hayward will miss them and their mischievous ways. But at least we still have the essence of Doubtless, still hanging heavy in Comfort Suites lobby. And for some reason, I think we always will. (That reason being, no budget for fumigating the drapes and upholstery).