Behold, the Power of Free Burritos
The big news in the greater Stillwater metroplex is the opening of a Chipotle restaurant, in a strip mall over by the Walmart. More than just the easy access to huge, delicious burritos at a reasonable price, the denizens of this area have been driven wild by this location's opening two day promotional blitz. Free food. Yes, Monday and Tuesday this week, one free entree along with chips, salsa, and pop, all for the the low, low price of mucho nada. Or is that muy bupkis? My high school spanish skills have atrophied.
Needless to say, the deal is creating a huge buzz in the city. Despite the expected mob scene, I went by last night to see if scoring a free meal was feasible. I drove by and cruised the establishment at a slow, contemplative pace. The front window revealed a muti-kinked snaky line of frugal gourmets inside, which ultimatley spilled its tail out the door and onto the sidewalk. My estimate was 100 hungry souls, maybe. All things considered, not too bad. I've seen crowds nearly as long during a normal dinner rush at the Ford Parkway branch in St. Paul, and that's without getting free food. And the thing about the Chipotle line is, it generally moves fast. Credit that to specialization of tasks in the prep line or the fact that the management and crew all speak the same language (Spanish, possibly Esperanto), but this line probably wouldn't take more than 30 - 40 minutes, 45 minutes tops. And that's nothin' hermanos. Remember, this is for free food!
This quality of reasoning had me so convinced that I actually parked my car and was climbing out of the seat to head in, then a voice of reason was heard in my mind (strangely enough, using a Speedy Gonzalez accent - which is strange only because usually it's the voice of Foghorn Leghorn I hear). It queried, 'how can you justify idly standing around in a fast food line, burning away forever a precious 30 - 45 minutes of your short time on this Earth?'
A deep, philosophical question. And let me tell you, if I would have had a newspaper with me, or there was a paper box outside the store, by golly that question would have been affirmatively answered (I'll read!) and I'd have feasted on free shredded pork and white rice in a soft shell this night.
But a newspaper I had not, and there would be nothing to distract me from the tyranny of my own thoughts as I stood there in line and ruminated on my poor life choices, the most recent of which would be standing in line for up to an hour, in order to save what would be no more than 6 or 7 bucks.
That value per minute calculation is what did it for me. Shield your eyes from the beautiful glare of FREE FOOD for a moment and all you're really gaining is a little extra walking around money. Which is great - but, upon further review, only great if it can be conveniently acquired. Which explains why I again plan to be a Metrodome regular during Wednesday night Twins home games. Yes, it's Hormel Dollar-a-Dog night! And there are dozens of stands offering them, meaning no more than about a 10 minute wait, shorter yet if you've got good seats. (Previous odes to Dollar Hot Dogs can be found here and here.)
But if so-called free food has the hidden cost of opportunity tagged on as well, I'll have to take a pass. Meaning, I suppose, sloth is a more powerful deadly sin than gluttony. And if you want my patronage (as it were) fast food outlets - you need to offer me both.
Closing thought for the multitudes who did stand in line and who earned their free burritos, the hard way. Why stop there?
They've proven they are willing to put up with a lot for free burritos. To suffer a measurable diminution of their personal standards of living in order to secure their precious quarry. In fact, I bet many of them will do the double dutch treat of getting free burritos on Monday and Tuesday.
But, again, why stop there? Why not take it all the way? Yes, work at Chipotle - get free burritos every day! From the Career Builder ad looking for an Assistant General Manager at Chipotle.
Other Cool Perks : Free Meal during your shift.
Sure the salary range offered (27K-32K) may not match up with the lifestyle expectations of the young, up-and-coming professional class of Stillwater. Getting that 42-foot inboard and and a third ATV may have to be delayed indefinitely. But, did I mention, you get FREE FOOD! And that's every day, friend. And if you work there, I bet you never even have to wait in line.
More, from the job ad:
We offer company-paid benefits for anyone working 32 hours or more per week. All you have to do is sign up when you begin the burrito life.
Sloth and gluttony, all can be yours, if you're willing to accept the Burrito Life!
Yes, come to me my children, come and dance the dark tango of the damned! Ha ha ha ha ha!
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