Fraters Libertas

Pope Nihilist I

Like a vulture circling a man hopelessly lost in the desert, the Nihilist in Golf Pants is preparing to pick the bones of the ailing Pope John Paul II. NIGP has launched his campaign to become the next pope by listing the eleven actions that he will take upon being fitted with the funny hat. It's a good start, but I have a few items that need to be added to what should be known as, "Nihilist's Contract For Catholics":

- No shorts in church. I don't care how hot it is and how stuffy your church is, shorts in church is just plain wrong. Especially the baggy variety favored by today's youth. It's a church not a basketball court. Dress appropriately.

- The Lord's Prayer should be spoken not sung. There's enough singing in church the way it is and most it is bad. Sing the hymns, say the prayers. While we're on the subject, the hand holding during the Lord's Prayer has to stop. I've noticed that it's fallen out of favor with most people, but there are still a few holdouts. If you insist on holding hands with your family members fine. Just don't expect me to grab your clammy paw.

- No pre-Mass greetings. This annoying ritual crept into our church a few years back. It seems to have been stopped for the time being which is a welcome relief. I don't need to shake hands with my fellow church goers before Mass. There's this little thing called the "greeting of peace" that takes care of that. (Let's hope we never go back to the "kiss of peace.")

- Although I understand that it's traditional and for some people can be quite moving, The Responsorial Psalm does nothing for me. I'm not saying that Pope Nihilist should change the structure of the Mass just to suit my tastes, but shaking up the line up every once in a while isn't a bad idea.

- Insist that priests learn how to write and deliver good homilies. As I've mentioned before, I believe that the homily is the most important part of the Mass. The priest has your attention for ten to fifteen minutes and he needs to make it count. Those rote, recycled homilies that bore you to tears while saying nothing have to be stopped. Parishioners should have a chance to grade their priests on a variety of subjects in yearly surveys. Those failing to live up to expectations on homilies could be given extra training and advice on how to do it right. I'm fortunate in that the priest at my church delivers the goods in this area. But I've sat through enough crappy homilies to know that he is the exception rather than the rule.

UPDATE: Elizabeth e-mails to add to the list:

Priests should not subject their congregations to their own poetry. As a captive audience, there is not much that the congregation can do to escape. Vogons would all become priests if they attended my church.