No Jury Would Convict Him

Last week Chad "the Elder" wrote about the phenomena of media bias fatigue. That is, the tiring of your faithful Fraters Libertas correspondents in identifying and dissecting egregious examples of partisan political hackery coming from certain key voices in the local media. I must admit to being bitten by that bug myself of late. One of the unfortunate victims of my ennui has been the Newspaper Newlyweds. For those unaware, that's the name of the riveting, real life soap opera going on between the lines in the column of the Star Tribune's Nick Coleman and that of his second wife, Laura Billings of the Pioneer Press.

To catch up those who've fallen behind, previous episodes of this series included

Part I - The Real Liberal World

Part II - Tell Laura I Love her

Part III - A Woman Scorned

Part IV - Where Ever He Lays His Jug Is Home

But then it all fell apart. I'm not sure why, but it lost its edge. I become bored with the Battling Bickersons of Grand Avenue and maybe felt no more needed to be said about this marriage made in Knight Ridder heaven. Ultimately, after weeks of exposing them for who they truly are, the outrage over this hide-in-plain-sight unholy alliance had been quieted. I couldn't summon the necessary passion to keep it going and it was put on indefinite hiatus.

But, luckily for us, there is a man whose outrage will not be doused. A man whose need to chronicle the antics of the Newspaper Newlyweds burns white hot to this very day. A man so inspired by this perverse tale, he's been writing further episodes of the Newspaper Newlyweds in his spare time, just for his own amusement. One of which he did send to me about a month ago. Despite it's laugh out loud qualities, pending a thorough vetting by our crack slander avoidance department, it still hasn't seen the publication light of day.

The man of whom I speak is Man from Silver Mountain. He just sent me his latest effort. The truths within demand instant publication and who knows, this may just resurrect the whole series. Afterall, I think this is exactly how AfterMASH got started and look how successful that was.

So sit back and enjoy a very special episode of the Newspaper Newlyweds, entitled "No Jury Would Convict Him."

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After a troubling period, the newspaper newlyweds are at it again.  I have spent a lot of time chronicling the ups and downs of Nick and Laura's relationship.  The low point occurred in March when after a turbulent period Laura had to be rushed to the hospital twice (see her articles from March 11 and March 28 detailing these medical emergencies).  Maybe some day the truth will come out about those episodes.  Anyhow, after serious troubles, she is back together with her version of J. Howard Marshall.  How are these limousine liberals celebrating their reunion?  With a spending spree.  From her latest column of April 27, entitled "No such thing as a free gift but a woman can always hope":

My husband and I bought a new car recently, and as we drove off the lot, I started looking through the glove compartment for our free gift.

Does a new luxury auto make our pampered little princess smile?  Apparently not.  Why could she possibly be unhappy?  Answer:

"Because we just spent way more than we had to on this model, and they're supposed to make us feel good about it by giving us a little something for free," I explained.

At this point, I want to reiterate the fact that the big spender just happens to be one of the leading class warriors in the state.  But not being a class warrior myself, I'm not going to tell Nick Coleman or his avaricious wife where they can spend his enormous fortune.  I wonder what model car they bought.  A clue comes from her next complaint, a pout regarding how she wanted to receive the car in the romantic manner of those Lexus commercials, where the car with the huge bow of ribbon on top awaits the unsuspecting spouse.

"It has to be wrapped nicely."

If expensive purchases leave you feeling equally unloved, blame Esteé Lauder, the cosmetics queen who passed away last weekend at the age of 97.

Unloved!  A shiny new Lexus and she complains of being unloved.  I'm now beginning to understand what may have precipitated her trips to the hospital.  She goes on to tell of her materialistic, spendthrift ways:

I would not care to estimate the amount of money I have spent at department store cosmetics counters during "special purchase" events over the years simply to secure a goodie bag full of powders and creams I don't actually need. Though I know paying $30 for a moisturizer means there's nothing "free" about my gift, I still leave the cash register with the bloom on my cheeks that comes from feeling not only that I've indulged myself, but that I got a bargain, too.

No wonder Nick despises his fellow rich so much.  If they act like this, I'd despise them too.

While the free gift is now an expected feature of the cosmetics world (and has a puzzling offshoot in the "free steaks with your new windshield" phenomena), it has yet to make its way into the rest of the retail world.

But what a beautiful world it would be if it did.

Imagine if the next time you bought an overpriced bottle of wine, the clerk tossed in a cute little box of crackers and some nice goat cheese. Wouldn't that make you feel good about the French again? And what if that new washing machine came with a wicker gift basket full of fabric softener? Wouldn't that be worth a few extra bucks?

So let's see, a new Lexus, a mountain of expensive cosmetics, a bottle of Chateau Lafite Rothschild and a Whirlpool on this spending spree and this spoiled little gold digger still wants more!

Maybe Nick Coleman could get a column out of that.