Lost In Losing Circumstances That's Just Where You Are

So Minneapolis is finally getting an Ikea store. I'm apparently supposed to be so excited about this stroke of luck that I should be spinning fast enough to generate my own magnetic field. Somehow, I have managed to keep my angular momentum at a manageable level.

If one is to believe the news reports from the past few days, thousands of people were lined up in anticipation of the store's grand opening this morning at 9:00. A warning was issued predicting that traffic on the roads around Ikea's Mall of America site would be catastrophically disrupted. Personally, I think a lot of this hype has been fed to the media by Ikea's PR firm as my morning commute took me within a half mile of the new store and traffic was actually flowing better in that area than it has in weeks.

Nevertheless, the buzz about town recalls the manic behavior that surrounded every local Krispy Kreme opening in recent years. And this behavior confounds me. Why would otherwise normal people take precious time out of their lives to stand in line for hours just so they can be the first one on their block to stuff a glazed donut down their gullet or bring a box of furniture parts home only to spend the next three hours assembling it?

I have nothing against Ikea's line of "cheap chic" furniture. In fact, having just purchased a new house, I will most likely be seen someday walking into the 300,000 square foot blue box warehouse that Ikea calls home to purchase several boxes of stuff I don't really need. Shortly thereafter, of course, I will be cursing at myself for making this decision (with some choice words thrown in for the Swedes responsible for the monster's creation) as I set fire to the pile of parts that I just couldn't piece together.

The operative word here, though, is "someday". If past experience is any indicator, I've come to understand that most retail stores tend to maintain regular hours of operation. This means that while the grand opening may indeed be today, they will also be open tomorrow...and next week...and next month and, presumably, every day for many years to come.

So, fer Chrissakes people, quit behaving like you're third world orphans who have just discovered a soup line every time the latest trend comes to town and attempt to act like rational human beings for a change. You're all making me embarrassed to be part of this silly human race.