Can a guy make a career out of forging office memoranda? The increasingly sad, desperate tale of Dan Rather duper Jim Burkett argues against that possibility. But our own Jim Styczinski continues to head into his basement and tirelessly crank these things out, with hilarious consequences. Below is his latest batch. If Jim keeps this up , he may do for the forged memo what Gallagher did for the watermelon.
JIM ADDS: Maybe I could use this bit to become the next Don Rickles? 'I just got this memo from your mother -- she says you're ugly.'
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To: Joe Streuhli (Commander of CosDiv 13)
From: The Great Cambodi (USO magician)
Date: December 27, 1968
Subject: My Magic Hat
Dear Sir, I am a magician currently touring with the USO. On December 23 of this year, I was being transported to Sa Dec via Swift Boat PCF-44 for a Christmas Eve show. While on these USO trips I like to do all I can to entertain the troops even when I'm not on stage, so I put on a little show for the sailors who were transporting me. The key to my act is my Magic Hat from which I produce money and other objects seemingly out of thin air. On this occasion, I tossed my hat to a long faced fellow who seemed to be in command and asked him to verify that there was nothing in it. Instead the sailor put it on his head and said, "Wow thanks, now I have a lucky hat." I thought he was joking around, but he wouldn't give it back.
Is there any way that you could get the hat back for me? I wouldn't mind except that it is custom made with secret compartments that are essential to my act.
Signed,
The Great Cambodi
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To: Malcolm Forbes, Editor Forbes Magazine
From: United States Senator John Forbes Kerry
Date: January 12, 1992
Subject: Genealogy
Dear Malcolm,
Let me introduce myself, I am Senator John Forbes Kerry of Massachusetts. That's right, my middle name is Forbes, which is also my mother's maiden name! Since we are both from Northeastern aristocratic families named Forbes, I would say that there is a good chance that we are related!
Do you happen to know whether we are cousins? I hope so, because I am a big admirer of your magazine, especially your recent feature on the 400 richest persons in America. Your research is very impressive. Hey, it just occurs to me that you probably collect a lot of information that you don't necessarily publish, like say marital status, home phone numbers, etc. Malcolm buddy, could you do a cuz a favor and pass along the phone numbers of any single women under 80 on the list? Thanks in advance.
Signed,
Cousin John
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To: Teresa Heinz-Kerry
From: Ted Eisenreich, Director of Facility Operations, Green Bay Packers
Date: August 28, 2004
Subject: Your Generous Offer
Dear Mrs. Heinz-Kerry,
I am sorry to inform you that we must decline your generous offer. The Green Bay Packers organization and our fans place an immense value on tradition, and the name Lambeau Field is a rich part of that tradition.
However, if we ever do decide to sell the stadium naming rights, your offer to name the stadium Lambert Field will receive strong consideration.
Signed,
Ted Eisenreich
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To: Senator John Kerry
From: William Pickle, United States Senate Sergeant at Arms
Date: 12 January 2004
Subject: Voting
1. You are ordered to report to the floor of the United States Senate no later than 19 January 2004 to freaking vote.
2. Report to the office of Minority Whip Harry Reid for instructions on how to vote.
Signed,
Bill Pickle
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
7 May 1983
Henri Nannen, Publisher, Stern Magazine
We at Stern stand by our story of 15 April 1983 regarding the authenticity of the recently discovered Hitler Diaries. The diaries were obtained from an unimpeachable source and were authenticated by two handwriting experts. The pajama wearing partisans of the Federal Archive have tried to shift focus to the paper, ink, and glue used, when they should address the contents of the diaries themselves. Even if the diaries are fake, no one has proven that they are not accurate reflections of Hitler's inner thoughts.
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To: Dan Rather, CBS News
From: Albert Einstein, Institute of Advanced Study, Princeton University
Date: September 16, 2004
Subject: Reply to your query
You are quite right when you assert that there is a finite probability that ink molecules in a thirty year old typed document could, through quantum tunneling, rearrange themselves in such a way that they appear to have been produced by a modern word processing machine.
However, I could not even begin to solve the Schrödinger equation for this possibility. I would estimate that the probability of such an event occurring would be so close to zero as to be impossible. I strongly recommend that you come up with a more reasonable explanation.
Signed,
Your Pal Al
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To: Dan Rather, CBS News
From: Jim Boyd, Deputy Editorial Page Editor, Minneapolis Star Tribune
Date: September 21, 2004
Subject: Hitting Power Line
Let me ask you something Dan, do you want to counterattack or ride this to ground and outlast it? Of course you want to counterattack, and I have just what you need to ruin those Power Line frauds. I can supply you with not one, but two pieces from a well respected newspaper that unequivocally proves those guys to be fraudulent smear artists who can't stand up to the facts.
That's not all; my exhaustive research has uncovered even more damaging information. First of all, Power Line has no affiliation whatsoever with any electric utility or any other means of producing or transporting electricity. Ha! I also have evidence that the so-called Deacon is NOT a member of the clergy, Hindrocket has no connection with NASA or any other rocket agency, and I have it on good authority that The Big Trunk is more of a small to medium trunk. As a show of solidarity, Dan, I will boycott any and all debates with the Power Liars.
Courage, Dan, Courage!
Signed,
Jim Boyd
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