The campaign season is in its final week, which means it is time for the editorial board of Fraters Libertas to momentarily drop its normal standards of fairness and objectivity and reveal our preferences for specific candidates.
Why is Fraters Libertas officially endorsing candidates? Unlike the St. Paul Pioneer Press, we are not endorsing to give our readers a look at how the institution Fraters Libertas might vote if it were to drunkenly stumble into the polling booth. No, we are endorsing so that our sheep-like readers will blindly follow our every dictate, thus increasing our power and influence over every aspect of their lives.
Like real editorial board members, we were too lazy to go out of our way to actually talk to anyone or engage in detailed policy analysis. No, we basically winged it. We did invite all candidates to take part in our candidate interview process. If they didn't happen to see our not entirely obscene, hastily scribbled overture on the men's room wall at Keegan's, that's their problem.
Without further ado, here are our official 2004 endorsements for Soil and Water Conservation Supervisors.
First, some more ado. With the possible exception of air and light rail transit, nothing is more important to our survival than soil and water. Yet the Main Stream Media rarely offers endorsements or even basic information about the non-partisan Soil and Water Conservation races. So once again we, the new media, are forced to fill the information vacuum.
Did you know each county in Minnesota is divided into five Soil and Water Conservation Districts? It's true, and each district is represented by a supervisor elected by, we, the people. The position is unpaid except for per diem. Candidates run in the district in which they reside, but the entire county elects the supervisors in all districts. After all, soil and water conservation does not end at the district boundary. It ends at the county boundary.
(Please note the Soil and Water Conservation Districts are not to be confused with the Board of Minnesota Water and Soil Resources. That's the unelected Star Chamber of jack booted soil and water thugs appointed by the Governor.)
Ramsey County District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor
The candidates for the open Ramsey County District 2 seat are Gwen Willems and Dorothy Waltz. Of the four contenders for the two contested Ramsey County seats, only Dorothy Waltz went to the trouble of filling out her campaign biography. She also has a website devoted to her candidacy. Ms. Waltz holds a Masters Degree from the University of Michigan and spent sixteen years on the Dakota County Soil and Water Conservation board.
We are concerned that Ms. Waltz may enjoy the sweet life of a Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor just a little too much. But we have uncovered even more damaging information on her opponent Gwen Willems. She is DFL endorsed.
Fraters Libertas believes that Ms. Waltz is ready to move up from Dakota County to the big time, and therefore endorses Dorothy Waltz for Ramsey County District 2 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor.
Ramsey County District 3 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor
In District 3, incumbent Marjorie Ebensteiner is facing challenger Jill Elizabeth Wilkinson. There have been no major Soil and Water Conservation scandals under Ms. Ebensteiner's watch, and her last name is similar to that of Minnesota Republican State Chairman Ron Eibensteiner (though it is spelled differently). We do not take turning out an incumbent lightly, especially in time of war. But we can't ignore the fact that she is also DFL endorsed.
When we ask ourselves WWKRTUTE*, the clear answer is Jill Elizabeth Wilkinson for Ramsey County District 3 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor.
*Who Would Karl Rove Tell Us to Endorse
Hennepin County District 5 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor
No fewer than four candidates are vying for the hotly contested Hennepin County District 5 seat. They are Gregory J. Bownik, Jonathan M. Burris, Kevin W. Rodewald, and Michael Wyatt. Unfortunately, we could find no DFL endorsements for this seat, so we are forced to exercise actual thought and judgment.
Gregory Bownik has twice run unsuccessfully for Mayor of Rogers, MN. He received 102 votes in 2000 and increased that total to 826 in 2002. We believe that Mr. Bownik was too quick to give up on the Mayor's Office - we prefer to see more persistence in Soil and Water Conservation Supervisors.
Jonathan M. Burris has no identifiable soil or water credentials. But he is a lawyer and a gay activist. The website for his law office, QueerLawyer.com, lists one of Mr. Burris's areas of practice as "Gay Divorce". While we are impressed with the forward thinking on Mr. Burris's part, we prefer to see more persistence in illegal gay marriage covenants.
The domain of candidate Kevin W. Rodewald's e-mail address is globalhemp.com. While we admire dreamers of any sort, we fear that Mr. Rodewald may have a secret plan to use the bully pulpit of Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor for disseminating propaganda on the benefits of wearing Unisex Hemp Yoga Pants. As you may recall, this was the same criteria we used to withhold our endorsement of Roger Moe in 1998.
Michael Wyatt is a Planner for the Minnehaha Creek Watershed District with ample soil and water conservation experience. Fraters Libertas heaves a sigh of relief and endorses Michael Wyatt for Hennepin County District 5 Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor.
You have your marching orders. Now go out and vote properly. If you don't live in Ramsey or Hennepin Counties, find the addresses of those who do, hunt them down, and get them to vouch for you on election day. Thank you.
(Ace researcher Jim Styczinski assisted in the preparation of this of this report. Questions, comments, and subpoenas related to McCain-Feingold violations should be sent directly to his attention.)
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