Fraters Libertas

Shoulda Been A Cowboy

This is your faithless reporter JB Doubtless checking in from far Western North Dakota, where I have been vacationing with my in-laws to be on a cattle ranch. My bro-in-law (to be) wasted no time in putting me to work on mowing his approximately three acres of grass and I was in no position to argue since I trashed one of his four wheelers on the last visit doing "shitties" in the dirt like a complete idiot.

The next day brought a little bigger challenge.

One of his bulls broke through a fence and made a mad dash to some adjacent cows to make a little cow-whoopee. Our job was to race out to the area on four-wheelers and get the stubborn beast back to his side of the pasture.

After a little scouting around, we came upon the giant animal who weighed approx 1600 pounds. He was hiding in some brush when he made a break for a nearby river. I was following my brother-in-law (to be) who needless to say is a bit of a more experienced rider. He was going down incredible ledges and through marshy swamps that a horse could hardly make it through and like a sap I was following. At one point he zigged in front a huge hole 3 feet deep and I zagged, hitting the other side of the hole at 30 mph and crashing my thick noggin into the windshield.

"I'm okay!" I yelled, lying, but no one was listening as the focus was all on getting this horny critter back where he belonged. After another 3-4 hours of riding through rivers, over thick scrub brush and up impossible inclines (at one point I nearly tipped my machine) we finally decided the only way to get this bastard was to bring a group of cows close enough to him so he would be persuaded to go where we wanted him. As we left to get the cows, one of the guys in our group grabbed a shovel and clubbed the bull in the head with a swing that would make Jaque Jones proud. He didn't even flinch.

The cows proved much easier to move, even though there were 50-60 of them and before long I was roundin' up them doggies like a real cowboy. After one especially efficient round up of about 4 cows I exclaimed "yee-haw!" out of pure joy. My fellow cowboys looked at me with that "I crap bigger n' you" look and just rolled their eyes.

Upon seeing the many potential mates, the bull came right over to where we wanted him and literally within 30 seconds had mounted a cow. Our work was done.

Although not terribly skilled as a rancher, the work was incredibly fulfilling and felt so much better than sitting in a cubicle typing emails all day and pondering risk management. The rest of the day was spent "fixing fence" and we then downed about 10 rounds of Busch Light (give me a break, it was all they had).

So a "vacation"? No. But I had more fun rounding that beast up than any day on the golf course.