Fraters Libertas

The Bizarro Pair?

Our buddy Swiftee over at Pair O' Dice has the bizarre misfortune of having the same name as a local Alan Aldaesque blogger. Swiftee speaks of this humiliation in this post by citing some of his bizarro nom de plume's posts including how the dude cried when he went to the Wellstone Memorial.

Swiftee's comments are hilarious, but for some unitentional humor, go to his doppelnamer's (I made that word up) site and have yourself a hardy larf, including this little gem titled "My Inadequacies As A Man."

I have a feeling this post came from an annual ritual in his household (similar to Frank Costanza's Airing Of Greviances during Festivus) where his wife and family lists all of the ways he has let them down during the year.

Magazines. Talk Shows. Movies. Advertising. All around, men are being defined with increasing frequency and, quite frankly, I have come to the realization I am not measuring up.

Who came to the realization?

Sometimes I feel inadequate and, well, this subject is difficult to talk about but I no longer feel the same lust...for football.

THAT I can see, but this, this damns him for eternity:

I am sorry, I have looked hard, and more than once, but I don't find Cameron Diaz in the least bit attractive. Is it possible I am not a man at all but some sort of cross breed that has eluded the diagnosis of medical professionals?

Possible? Yes, but I believe these type of dudes are still clinically men, but that's about the only way they can be defined as such.

I have read an Elizabeth Berg (ed: Mitch's ex?) novel. Two, actually, as long as I am being honest. And I enjoyed them. No, a gun was not pressed against my forehead.

Tires and oil are always changed by mechanics. A screwdriver is a foreign instrument when placed in my hand. I haven't built anything out of wood since 11th-grade shop class. I am more likely to read Sanskrit (ed: I believe Mitch knows sanskrit) than a magazine containing the prefix "moto" anywhere on its cover.

I'll admit it: I have cried in the last 10 years. And not just when my favorite hockey team was knocked out of the playoffs. (ed: was it during a Bruce Springsteen song by any chance?)

I go days without turning on a TV and I am fine with that. I own no video games or satellite dishes. I have basic cable. I do not have a killer sound system. I am allergic to country music.

Wow. The reason this post is an instant classic is that he is trying to be funny. But while doing so makes it clear that as a liberal man he is superior to all of us stupid hicks who work on cars, utilize screwdrivers, make things of wood (heh heh) or watch TV. Yup, he's beyond all that.

He seems to think that by embracing his inner Mark Dayton, he has cast aside all that troubling biology stuff and those mere thousands of years of evolution. That all it takes is a simple change of heart and a man can become a woman. This in a nutshell is a perfect microcosm of the heaven on earth, socialist mind set--if only people would think differently, then we could overcome our natural world of original sin and biological determinism.

So once again, my advice is to sack it up buddy. Remember the wise words of Dennis Miller:

I always thought women found it attractive when a man cried--that they wanted us to be vulnerable. But the first time I cried in front of my wife she looked at me like 'Who is this gerbil'"