Fraters Libertas

It Ain't Masonry, But It's Still A Challenge

When it comes to home repairs, I've never been much of a "do-it-yourself" kind of guy. I can usually find a way to take the simplest of tasks and turn it in to a full blown disaster.

A case in point was my rather feeble attempt at hanging a large mirror on the wall just a few short weeks ago. After carefully measuring the mirror, marking the wall and then re-measuring the mirror, it came time for me to actually begin screwing a few hollow wall anchors into my heretofore pristine drywall. Several twists of the screwdriver later, I had a 1/4 inch diameter hole in the wall and what I feared was the beginning of an enormous pile of barely used anchors inside the wall cavity.

I managed to fix that problem with a light duty picture hanger and an empty picture frame. Not quite the dramatic effect at the top of the stairs that the mirror would have had but it sure beats looking at that hole in the wall eight times a day for the next ten years.

Given that colossal failure, you can imagine the trepidation with which I approached my next challenge...the dreaded leaky toilet. The water stains on the bathroom tile had been growing for a few weeks and I had done a very good job of ignoring them until my inner handyman (he doesn't get out much) could absolutely stand no more. I confidently told the wife that the wax ring must be shot and put her on notice that I would be heading to the hardware store the very next day for everything I needed to complete the job.

When the very next day came, I proceeded to do what any good homeowner would do. I called a guy. The guy showed up shortly thereafter, the guy fixed the toilet, I wrote the guy a check and then the guy left. I was happy. The guy was happy. My wife was happy. And, best of all, I didn't have an 30 inch diameter hole in the floor where my toilet used to be.

Yes, I've discovered the secret to home repair, folks. The checkbook. Call me foolish. Call me wasteful. Call me Ishmael, if you'd like. At least I wasn't down on all fours sticking my hand in my toilet's waste pipe. I've used that toilet. I know what has been through that pipe. I'm never...ever...going to go near that pipe.

I have a job so I can pay people who know what they're doing (and apparently don't mind the pipes) to replace my wax rings and fix my flange bolts and caulk the hell out of my toilet base. They do it because people like me can't.

Now, if I could only find an emergency picture hanging service...