Fraters Libertas

Something Clumsy This Way Comes

Tim e-mails about concerns for his safety based on rumors of an approaching storm:

I was reading Hugh's blog this morning, and when I got to the end of yesterday's post titled "The Alito Attack Machine", there I saw the three scariest words any Coloradan can read: Off to Colorado.

Do you have any inside dope as to how long we here in Colorado need to stay out of the mountains? I was hoping to do some skiing this weekend, but the last thing I need is to have some wine-tastin', Dockers-wearin', Kathy-comic-strip-readin', man-bra-needin', hockey-know-nothin', snowmobile-challenged, Hugh Hewitt to careen his snowmobile into my chair lift, collapse a tower and cause it all to come crashing down. No thanks, I'll just stay in my basement playing hockey on the PS2 all weekend, I guess.

Maybe I can get our governor to stop him at the border. Who says border enforcement isn't a front-burner issue?

Unfortunately Tim, it's too late to seal the borders at this point. For you see...

***We interrupt this post for an important public service message for Coloradans***

Attention citizens of the Rocky Mountain State. The following is a public service announcement from the Department of Emergency Preparedness:

Ralphie has landed.

This is not a drill. Repeat this is not a drill.

Once again, Ralphie has landed.

Please do not panic. Calmly make your way to the nearest shelter and remain there until the all clear sounds. Do not leave your shelter under any circumstances and whatever you do stay away from the snowmobile trails. And woods. And highways. And shopping malls.

If you spot Hugh Hewitt, do not approach him. He is accident prone and extremely uncoordinated. Do not feed him orange snack foods and do not ask him any questions about technology, hockey, wine, or music. The consequences could be disastrous. Notify authorities immediately.

The National Guard has been mobilized and they will be available to assist in the evacuation and rebuilding efforts. Authorities estimate that the danger should be gone within the next twenty-four hours. Until then, keep your heads down and pray that Halo Hugh does not pass through your neighborhood. Courage.