Previously on the Newspaper Newlyweds ... the cohabitating columnists from Crocus Hill were left on a relatively happy note, with Nick Coleman presenting his wife, the avaricious Laura Billings, with a brand spanking new luxury automobile. But, as is the roller coaster pattern with these two kids, the serenity couldn't last.
Eschewing his newfound domestic tranquility, Nick recently chronicled for all to see his intimate reengagement with an old friend - the local pornographic industry. In Nick's most recent column, he reveals some of his favorite moments in Twin Cities porn. Beginning with his "journalistic interest" in a recently opened dirty book store not too far from his stately Crocus Hill mansion:
...the Love Doctor, opened on University near Snelling, offering X-rated magazines, movies and novelties. This is an especially wholesome part of St. Paul where the big excitement is watching old cars drive up and down on weekends. So as an inquiring newsman, I visited the Doctor as soon as I heard of it.
Yes, an inquiring newsman must get down there quickly to see what's REALLY going on in an X-rated store called the Love Doctor. Besides, that copy of Screw Magazine isn't going to read itself you know.
Nick then goes on to feign that his knowledge of the porn industry is really not from firsthand experience:
I have not made a scientific survey of X-rated businesses in the Twin Cities, but a cursory glance at the ads in the back of a local weekly suggests that there are a dozen or so strip joints in Minneapolis and only one that survives in St. Paul.
I'm not sure what a scientific survey might imply, but my guess is his cursory glance was funded by several dozen single dollars of research.
Coleman finishes with a reminiscence of the glory days of St. Paul porn, which ended in 1989 with the closing of "a giant porn complex at University and Dale called the Notorious Faust." Well, at least that was before he met Laura. Maybe that had something to do with the end of his first marriage?
I had the good luck of witnessing the riot on the Faust's last day of notoriety, when reporters, anti-porn activists and thrifty porn customers (everything was on sale for half-off) converged in an amazing fracas, a 10-minute brawl that see-sawed from the porn aisles into the street.
I am not making this up: A toothless old man in a raincoat was pounding on a counter loudly demanding to know where the lesbian videos could be found while the beefy clerks were jumping over the counter swinging saps at reporters, customers and politicians. They shoved everyone out onto the street into a huge slush puddle while cop cars roared up and tried to save the city from turning into Sodom or Gomorrah right on the spot. That was a fun day.
Based on his ability to attract Laura Billings' affection in the first place, we know that Nick is a lavish spender. And just imagine how much more he could buy in a going out of business sale. But what, exactly, is a "sap"? From the context I have to assume it's some really disgusting sex toy that you wouldn't want swung at you. I can't say for sure, and maybe only two people in St. Paul can: that mysterious, toothless old man with the hankering for lesbian videos and Nick Coleman (assuming those are different people).
Giving more insight into the morality of Nick Coleman, recall he's the guy who was outraged at the sight of a prayer breakfast on the grounds of the state capitol. Yet a porn shop fracas is not the least bit scandalous. No, instead, that was a fun day.
Hard to say how Nick's very public interest in adult entertainment is going to go over at the House of Coleman-Billings. As the Newspaper Newlywed archives reveal, Laura hasn't been shy about humiliating her husband in print for his other indiscretions and failings (he's a slob, his advanced age makes "performance" unpredictable, he doesn't wrap presents nicely enough). But will she go as far as ridiculing her spouse in the pages of the Pioneer Press for his potential, heartbreaking addiction to pornography?
Tune in next time for all the scandalous (alleged) details in the Twin Cities favorite soap opera between-the-lines, The Newspaper Newlyweds.
(Original story submitted by Man from Silver Mountain)
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