Fraters Libertas

Voting Under the Influence

From the Pioneer Press, a letter to the editor, entitled "All Voices Need to be Heard":

I was a volunteer at the Kerry event at the Convention Center on May 3. I purchased a Kerry yard sign. As I was running to catch the bus, a homeless person ran after me and said he wanted to read what my sign said.

A note of caution for the audience. When you're in the neighborhood surrounding the Minneapolis Convention Center, and a homeless guy starts to run after you, he's typically not looking to engage in political discussion. Chances are he's looking to commit a random act of violence or to get your money in order to facilitate the abuse of his substance of choice. Or he's looking to escape the circling Lexus which signifies that Nick Coleman is on deadline.

Luckily, this particular homeless guy was apparently only interested in good citizenship:

He read it, gave me the thumbs up and said, "Anybody but Bush." I took the Kerry 2004 button off my jacket, and he put it on proudly and his face lit up with pride.

A warm moment for all involved I'm sure. But I'm not sure some cheap sense of "pride" condescendingly bestowed upon him was this street person's most urgent need at the moment. I suspect he's got enough deadly sins burdening his soul already, and now he's full of pride too? Not good. I suppose now he'll be spending all his time beaming with pride while thinking special thoughts about the magic of a John Kerry administration, instead of thinking about more relevant topics, like say, sobering up, taking a shower, getting a job.

Seems to me, the only person really benefiting from this transaction was the Kerry campaigner. He gets the rare pleasure of meeting a member of a Democratic trophy victim group (and he doesn't get assaulted or robbed), then he treats him like a child while doing nothing to actually help him, then goes home to write a congratulatory letter about himself to the local newspaper. Now everybody is proud, of themselves. However, the letter ends on an ominous note:

Truly, in this campaign all voices need to be heard. My only concern is where will this gentleman be able to vote? I am not sure of his address.

JIM HANSEN, Minneapolis

Fear not Jim, in Minnesota, homeless guys get to vote (and there are entire organizations devoted to making sure they do). This particular "gentleman" does not need an address to vote. In fact, he doesn't need any documentation that he actually lives anywhere. All he needs is someone to vouch for him. A person to claim that he lives in the precinct where he wishes to vote. The law allows someone to vouch that you are regularly seen living under a bridge or sleeping on a particular patch of sidewalk and that's your residence. I quote the relevant section of Minnesota Statute 200.031:

The residence of a single individual is in the precinct where the individual lives and usually sleeps

So, as long as you're living and sleeping within the boundaries of said precinct, consider the franchise exercised (cha-ching). But before we all get too excited about the effect the swing homeless vote might have on the upcoming election, be aware there's another law that may stop this movement in its tracks. According to Minnesota statute 204c.06, subdivision 7:

Use of intoxicating liquor; prohibition: During the time an election is being held it is a misdemeanor to bring intoxicating liquor or 3.2 percent malt liquor into a polling place, to drink intoxicating liquor or 3.2 percent malt liquor in a polling place, or to be intoxicated in a polling place. The election judges shall not permit an obviously intoxicated individual to vote or remain in the polling place for any purpose.

So, according to the state government, all voices need to be heard, except for one, those voices marinated in whiskey. Now I ain't no fancy civil rights lawyer, but to me that sounds like a clear violation of equal protection laws. Since the piss drunk are a natural Democratic constituency, I expect the Kerry campaign to take up this cause as well. Maybe soon we'll be hearing the cries of "disenfranchisement!" going up among the affected population . I just hope the fact that they'll be saying it as "dishenfrankizemend" doesn't confuse the issue further.