Angry Democrat Pornography

Garrison Keillor, that charming, folksy, banjo-loving dispenser of homey aphorisms, that gentle Norwegian giant, has gone absolutely rat-shit, spittle-spraying insane with rage. And what is it that has unsettled the unassuming lover of nature-based free verse and hamburger hot dishes? Did MPR CEO Bill Kling short sheet his bed? Did some Carleton College intern rub Atomic Balm into the wind guard of his microphone? Could it be that a spiteful au pair dangerously over-seasoned his pot roast? No, it's much, much worse.

The genteel, flannel-voiced godfather of somnolent Minnesota-based quasi-humor is just, well, good and pissed that his fellow Americans have been so bone-headed, so craven as to have elected several Republicans to high office.

In a piece that is nothing short of angry Democrat pornography, Garrison first waxes nostalgic about the golden years of Eisenhower "the good Republican"--"a period of peace and prosperity, in which (oddly) American arts and letters flourished and higher education burgeoned--and there was a degree of plain decency in the country." Yes, Democrats like Keillor loved Eisenhower, and if you don't believe him, just take a look at the many leftist-authored Eisenhower encomiums that clog our bookstores. Keillor generously notes that Eisenhower also "produced the Interstate Highway System," a curious compliment, one that was probably included because his favorite lefse vendor is just off I-94.

Garrison wastes little time praising -- faintly -- Eisenhower before he is off on his rant, a blast of contumely such as has never been seen. Really. It's never been seen because it is simply one of the weirdest things any human has ever beheld, even those who regularly attend low budget roadside freak shows. Are you ready? To Keillor, Republicans are:

"Hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies with Bibles, Christians of convenience, freelance racists, misanthropic frat boys, shrieking midgets of AM radio, tax cheats, nihilists in golf pants, brownshirts in pinstripes, sweatshop tycoons, hacks, fakirs, aggressive dorks, Lamborghini libertarians, people who believe Neil Armstrong's moonwalk was filmed in Roswell, New Mexico, little honkers out to diminish the rest of us, Newt's evil spawn and their Etch-A-Sketch president, a dull and rigid man suspicious of the free flow of information and of secular institutions, whose philosophy is a jumble of badly sutured body parts trying to walk."

Clearly, it is a mountain of oddness, and handholds are scant, but here goes. "Swamp developers and corporate shills," has the ring of familiarity about it, as far as Republican bashing goes. I, a Republican, have never met another who has made a living developing swamps, but I have to say I don't see the harm in it. Swamps are notoriously hard to develop, what with their lack of a firm foundation, but if some chap is willing to put his nose to the grindstone, buy the necessary fill and develop one I say bully for him. And as far as being corporate shills, I know this a treasured chestnut, but really, when it is leveled by a member of the party that has embraced Hollywood and Michael Moore (the neo-corporate shill), and whose favorite causes are backed by Theresa Heinz Kerry and the Ford Foundation, it just doesn't have the sting that I would imagine Garrison intended.

All well and good -- but "hairy backed?" In order for an insult to hit home, it would have to have an intended target, wouldn't it? Who is this meant for -- Denny Hastert? Chuck Hagel? Karen Hughes? No one I could think of gives this opening comment any meaningful context at all. Oh, I suppose I could be generous and grant Garrison the insult on a sort of "Republicans are homunculus's" level, but why should I do all the heavy lifting?

"Fundamentalist bullies with bibles" also seems to have the kernel of an insult somewhere in it. It starts familiarly enough, because as Garrison and all his followers know, anyone who holds tightly to the fundamentals of his beliefs without allowing progressive thought to "improve" it is clearly a moron and a bully. (Garrison's rhetoric is not bullying. It is nurturing and gentle, meant as firm-handed, loving guidance.) But then he guilds the lily by adding "with bibles." As opposed to fundamentalist bullies with, what, small cans of shellac? Fundamentalist bullies with toaster pastries? Two phrases in and the lug nuts on the wheels of his insult juggernaut are already loosening.

I won't dissect the whole tirade, but a few comments deserve special consideration. Take "shrieking midgets of AM radio." Look, no one likes Al Franken and even he would acknowledge that his voice occasionally gets a little strangled, and yes, he is no taller than the average nightstand, but here Garrison's just being cruel.

"Lamborghini libertarians"? Is this an abstruse dig at Michael Badnarik? If so, it doesn't really injure Republicans much because, well, libertarians are Libertarians, not Republicans. We can only assume that Garrison is so rankled by "limousine liberals" that he had to strike back with his own alliterative dig. But "Lamborghini libertarians" really misses the mark. Did he even consider "Renault Righties"--"Dodge Doubleya's"--"Saturn Small Government-ers?"

Finally, some comment must be made concerning the phrase "little honkers out to diminish the rest of us." That comment might be, Garrison, honey, are you okay? Would you like some soda water and a couple of saltines? Or perhaps it should be, What the Samuel W. Hell does that mean, you strange, fish-creaming freak? Are you sniffing unknown substances given to you by those clowns from Car Talk, or has the banjo music finally and inevitably loaded your sanity onto the dag-blasted hay wagon and driven it off the cliff?

As I said, it's tough going, and there is little sense to be made of it, but if I had to guess it would be this: Garrison's message to all Republicans and Republican sympathizers is, "Give the country back to the party of compassion, you feckless, rat-faced, stonehearted bastards."