If your thing is gone and you wanna ride on

When Red Bull just ain't getting it done you might want to try Cocaine:

A NEW energy drink that crashed parties in the US last week is called Cocaine, and its makers are billing it as "the legal alternative" to the drug.

The drink's maker maintains that "doing Cocaine", the beverage that is, gives a bigger and better high without the crash other energy drinks cause.

They say a high hits within five minutes, followed by a caffeine boost 15 minutes later. The ride lasts five hours and the concoction is "350 per cent stronger than Red Bull", they claim.

They argue the effect is part chemical - the drink uses "simple" sugars that don't need to be broken down by the body to create a sugar buzz, and a much larger dose of vitamin B12 - and part psychological.

In the interests of increased productivity, we're going to begin filling the water coolers around Fraters Libertas world headquarters exclusively with this new wonder drink. The risk of side effects (Atomizer going all "Cornholio" on us) are far outweighed by the obvious benefits.