We're Here, We're Queer, We Don't Want Anymore Sharks

The results of our latest poll asking "What is the gravest danger currently threatening The Republic?" are in and they show that your concerns are not being addressed by our leaders.

Sharks--20.32%

Iranian nukes--19.2%

Al Qaeda--16.2%

Illegal immigration--15.1%

Bush's Theocon cabal--8.2%

North Korean nukes--7.1%

Trans fats--4.9%

Secondhand smoke--4.3%

Gay Congressmen IM'ing pages--3%

Global Warming--1.3%

Nowhere is the shark threat more urgently felt than right here in the Heartland. Were you aware that at this very moment there are sharks at the Mall of America? Yes, the Mall of America has been infiltrated by shark sleeper cells. This town is infested with sharks. But do you hear any of the candidates for public office even talking about this clear and present danger? Sadly no.

Until a full fledged Shark Patrol is on duty around the clock, none of us will sleep safely at night. While some--like Atomizer--may rely on a rock to keep sharks away, I for one will be happy to pay for a shark-free Minnesota.