Where Ever He Lays His Jug Is Home

I begin with one obvious statement and one shocking statement: I wouldn't want to be married to Laura Billings. And I feel compassion for Nick Coleman.

The Battling Bickersons of Twin Cities editorial pages, the Newspaper Newlyweds themselves, have kept up the war between the lines in their respective columns. But for weeks it's been a mostly one sided affair. It began when Laura publicly accused her husband Nick of being an insensitive slob. Nick retaliated that Laura is a gold digger, only marrying him for access to his vast estate. Laura, not a woman to be trifled with, responded with a nuclear scale assault, implying at his inability to perform sexually.

In nearly two weeks since the impotence revelations to the newspaper reading world, Nick has not mentioned his home life in any of his columns. However, he has devoted extensive column space to the homeless and their habitat. This from his latest column:

A snow shovel lay against the fence -- good for shoveling out your home when the snow falls in your living room. And a plastic jug of frozen urine...

Could it be that Laura has given him the boot from their stately Crocus Hill mansion?

In her latest column, entitled "Let Real Couples - Even Same Sex Ones - Marry," she confirms that their marriage may have been a sham from the beginning:

. . . couples will invest an average of $25,000 on the wedding day, and almost no emotional capital considering what life will look like all the days after.

No emotional capital invested? But 25 large in expenditures? For a second marriage among bleeding heart advocates for the downtrodden? Sad, shocking, explosive revelations. Given all of this, I'm not sure how Nick can show his face at the homeless shelters around town any longer. But, at least he still has his snow shovel and his plastic jug.

(Critical editorial assistance for this piece provided by Man from Silver Mountain and Steve Gigl. Regarding the latter, there has been much controversy in the blogosphere on the pronunciation of his last name. Some say "Giggle" (like laugh), others say "jhilly" (like the Affleck movie). According to Steve, it's pronounced "shar-day". Please update your records accordingly.)