Aftermath

The fallout from the Nick Coleman column on Wednesday continues to pile up in the Twin Cities. Amid the laughing and the crying, a consensus is rapidly building that this may be the single worst newspaper column ever written in the long, tortured editorial history of the Twin Cities. Although a faction of Jim Klobuchar aficionados are maintaining an objection to this recognition until they can run down a mythical column he wrote back in 1988 about the undeniable appeal of the machismo of Michael Dukakis, I'm prepared to move forward.

To reiterate, the key paragraphs from his piece (entitled "In the Shadow of Ice, A Warm Welcome") which earn him this distinction are:

Too bad the homeless won't appreciate the splendors of the ice palace. That's because the latest in a long line of palaces stretching back to the Winter Carnival's founding in 1886 will include a feature never seen before: A 10-foot-high perimeter wall to protect it from the prying eyes of the poor.

And

One regular was a wounded Vietnam War veteran named Robin, an alcoholic who camped in the brush and woods around the edge of downtown St. Paul.

Last spring, police found Robin near the Cathedral of St. Paul, on the steps that overlook a panorama of downtown, dead from an apparent stroke. It would've been a perfect spot from which to see an ice castle.

The popular reaction to this column is best summarized by reader James Phillips:

Good lord, do people actually buy into this Nick Coleman crap? I've never wanted to punch someone so much as I did Mr. Coleman while reading your post of his article. I guess he did not make me laugh or cry. What a raging A-Hole.

(Editor's note - James Phillips is the executive director of the Folsom, CA advocacy group Pacifist Grandmothers for Peace.)

To be truthful, I never thought Nick Coleman would write the worst column in Twin Cities history (my money was on Soucheray). Despite his aging, bitter flowerchild perspective and his elitist, condescending tone, Coleman is a pretty good wordsmith. I liked several of his pieces from the Pioneer Press. There was one on Wellstone and Norm Coleman from last year and he did a number of fine historical accounts on the 1st Minnesota regiment's experience at the Battle of Gettysburg.

But his output since moving over to the Star Tribune has been surprisingly rank. Maybe he's trying to out-Grow his office mate Doug Grow. (And if Grow responds in kind, this is an escalation that could threaten the very survival of the Star Tribune). Perhaps he's gotten a case of extreme performance anxiety based on a huge raise and maybe a six figure income at the Star Tribune. And if he does make that much, he should really think about loading up his SUV with all the homeless people he can find and treat them to a day at the Ice Palace.

Whatever the reason, he has produced the worst column in Twin Cities history. But this could be a short-lived distinction. There's a momentous election season coming and I'm sure Grow, Soucheray, Brian Lambert and the rest will be trotting out their purplest, most painful prose throughout 2004. But perhaps the biggest challenge comes from within Coleman's own home. Because I think Laura Billings is due back from maternity leave any day now, as her billboard just went up on I-94 and White Bear Ave. (Yes, it does have a picture of a dog on it - as do their other columnists' billboards, but they stuck with the tagline "20/20 Insight".)

Final note - to the legion of distracted, selective readers out there: my commentary yesterday, entitled "The New Grinch In Town" has nothing to do with Newt Gingrich coming to town. I don't think he's coming here and even if he were, I wouldn't know how to contact him. So, you'll have to find another way to get your Contracts with America autographed in time for Christmas.