Memo
To: All priests, bishops, cardinals, etc. who have decision making ability in regards to the mass
From: JB Doubtless, average Catholic
Re: Requests to keep me coming back every Sunday
You guys want us to come back, right? I thought so. Then please, for the love of all that's holy, stop messin' with the freaking service! What am I talking about? Well, here's a short list I compiled after today's mass:
1. No extra peace session at the beginning. Don't make us introduce ourselves to our fellow parishoners okay? We're Minnesotans, and as such don't really like talking to strangers or having to touch them. There is one and one only offering of peace, don't make us do another.
2. No hand-holding! Ever! I had to suffer through the Lord's Prayer with the hand of a woman who smelled like she'd left the service six times to suck down a Parliament Menthol. No. Hand. Holding.
3. Sing songs that I know. I've been goin' to these events for some time now, yet I still
can go an entire service without recognizing a single tune. This is unacceptable. What's that? The choir director is sick of One Bread, One Body and wants to try out this delicious new piece he heard in New York? Sorry. I want the Catholic equivalent of classic rock when I go to mass--I'd better know every song by heart.
4. This one is perhaps the most important. Please do not stock the choir that stood in front of the congregation the entire time with young lovelies. Please. I'm trying to get my sinnin'
soul saved and I have to look at a 22-year old brunette with cheekbones to the ceiling and
the most perfect alabaster skin this side of Shania Twain? What are you trying to do to me?
5. The Blood Of Christ (otherwise known as the wine) is a bacteria frappe. You do know that we have some issues right now with the flu, right?
Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters. And can you slide me the number of the brunette?
No comments:
Post a Comment