Fraters Libertas

What If They Gave an Election and Nobody Won?

Was it really two months ago since I last mused on the utility of having retarded people vote and my fetish for Irishly named women? No, actually that was last night (and every night for that matter). But those of you not privy to my personal diary probably last heard of this in September, in a Fraters post about the primary election in St. Paul. This past Tuesday was the general election and you may be glad to hear I didn't encounter any mentally retarded voters or Irish named girls. So, I'm declaring their hex officially broken.

Per usual, the election in my ward was handled efficiently, professionally, and without incident. Yes, there was a minor snafu when an individual precinct allowed a man to vote TWICE! (Somewhere Jesse Jackson's ears just twitched). The man claimed he "accidentally" inserted a blank ballot into the machine the first time, and in a misplaced act of compassion the judges gave him another one. Luckily, none of the races were decided by just one vote, so the integrity of the election wasn't compromised. As such, I let the judging crew off with a savage verbal reprimand and the confiscation of their roll of "I Voted" stickers. I sneeringly informed them I'd be bringing back a new roll, once I got a set printed up saying "I Voted - Twice."

By the way, the state law mandated remedy for this situation is, at the end of the night, to randomly remove a ballot, and adjust the counts accordingly. It seems kind of arbitrary and imprecise, but I can't think of a more fair way to reconcile the counts. Don't like it? Call your state legislator. Or Jesse Jackson.

Other observations from general election 2003:

1) Two women of known liberal sympathies independently confided to me that if they're not familiar with the names on the ballot, they vote for the woman. Failing that, they'll vote for the most exotic sounding name, to aid the cause of diversity. (And rest assured, the ballots in St. Paul are never lacking for women or exotic names).

My further observations tell me this behavior is common and, in part, caused by the liberal mindset of assuming another's political beliefs based on their gender and race. (In short, if you're a women or Hmong, you must be a good liberal). It's also in part due to the fact they live in a one party (DFL) city. Therefore, they're comfortable with the belief that it doesn't matter who they vote for, taxes will remain high, the teacher's union will continue to dictate policy for the school board, and everyone will mouth politically correct words about compassion and class warfare while they compete for who can spend the most money on their favorite social causes.

But whatever the reason, I'm sure this is how many people in St. Paul vote. Which is why if I ever run for office in this town, I'm changing my name to Axward Buttkeuch.

2) Sign waving street demonstrations for candidates on election day is a growing phenomenon and I predict it's going to get out of control in the near future. The first time I saw this was during the ill-fated Mondale campaign, just last year. (As opposed to the ill-fated Mondale campaigns in 1980 and 1984. If ol' Fritz drops another one, I think I can stop saying "ill fated." "Mondale campaign" alone should be enough to communicate that particular adjective.) On election day 2002, there were frenzied partisans waving "Mondale" signs on every highway overpass and street intersection in the city.

I thought this was a special circumstance, since the Democratic base was highly motivated to win that election for their fallen hero Wellstone, and they were going to pull out all the stops. But the sign wavers were out this year too, in what is probably the lowest profile election we're likely to see for years. The first guy I saw was a crazed loner down on West 7th, waving a "Dave Thune" sign. Since I figured that probably was Dave Thune, I didn't get too worried about it.

But then later in the evening I cruised by Lexington and University and was confronted with a couple dozen wild demonstrators. The roiling mob was evenly matched between those holding Debbie Montgomery signs (and they were all black teen agers) and those waving Bao Vang signs (all Hmong teenagers). At the very least this was a traffic hazard, with kids running around, jumping into the street, laughing and shoving each other. I didn't hear of any accidents this year, but if similar behavior is evident in the future, it's only a matter of time before someone gets hurt.

And remember, this activity was occurring for a race between two liberal Democrats running for a City Council seat in a dead end section of town. What's going to happen when the race is as emotional as George W. Bush vs. Howard Dean? Hell, what's going to happen when it's Khazoua Thao-Kong vs. Axward Buttkeuch?

3) As evidenced by the sign waving incident, some people REALLY care who wins City Council seats in St. Paul. Most people don't, as the turnout rate was barely higher than that for the primary. (Sub 40% I'd estimate). But some people do. More frightening yet, some of these people are the candidates themselves. They're willing to do almost anything to win. I heard all kinds of stories out of Ward 1 (and to a lesser extent Ward 5) about the antics of various candidates and campaigns. Granted it was nothing like what happened in Philadelphia, but there was aggressive campaigning going on during election day at the polling places (at times in violation of the law that they must be 100 feet away from the building), heated arguments between the various factions outside the polls, allegations of voter interference and undue influence by translators, voter helpers, and poll workers with familial ties to candidates.

In terms of fraud, nothing substantive has come of this, but the point is there are people who desperately want to be on the City Council. And that's not healthy for a democracy. If people want it that bad, it's too powerful of a position. For the good of us all, the office needs to be denuded. My proposal is for an independent commission to observe the behavior of campaigns and candidates, and if any desperate grabs for power are seen, the budget authority for that office is cut in half for the following year. And we keep cutting, year after year, until we get candidates who don't care if they win or lose. Only then can we be sure our freedoms are safe. And only then could I feel comfortable voting for the person with the most exotic sounding name. Or the woman. With the Irish name.