Fraters Libertas

Enter the W.A.S.B.

I never thought I’d say this, but there just aren’t that many sour bastards reading us anymore. I send out the clarion call for suggestions on new anti-death penalty slogans and after a couple of days I only get three or four dozen submissions. Let me tell you, there was a time my inbox would have been clogged with a river of bile so vicious, so viscous, I would have been getting Terms of Service violation notices from Earthlink.

Those days are apparently over. I blame it on attrition of these types of readers based on the prolonged sabbatical of their hero JB Doubtless.

But while the quantity of submissions has declined, the quality is as good as it ever was (that is, barely literate.) But the cream has risen to the top. And with it the rise of a new community action group, soon to be irresponsibly inflaming a scandal near you. Collectively, they’re calling themselves We Are Sour Bastards (W.A.S.B.). Individually, each of its members has qualified as a community leader in his own right: reader Jim Styczinski, Luke Duke at Puzzle Stud, and some guy on the Elder’s hockey team.

Here's a sample of their anti-death penalty slogans. When you hear this level of rhetoric being screamed in your neighborhood, know they’re on the case (and call a real estate agent immediately):

If you give us the noose,
You’ll feel the wrath of Zeus!

That one will be particularly effective in the Little Athens section of Shoreview. 

Don’t send our felons to the chair,
For they would miss the State Fair!

This one is particularly chilling since killing criminals would mean big trouble finding people to work at the Ye Olde Mill and the All You Can Drink Milk booth.

Barcelona Chairs, YES!
Electric Chairs, NO!

I think that one has something to do with the Pottery Barn. If so, count me in on the lynch mob.

Don’t care what you say Tim Pawlenty,
We’ll have none of your death penalty!

The accent necessary to rhyme that one is a perfect fit for some of the Russian Orthodox neighborhoods in Nordeast. And I’ve just informed the language scholars at rhymezone.com that something indeed does rhyme with penalty.

Don’t let the conservatives loose,
giving our criminals the juice.

A classic. Factually accurate, to the point, and a vague allusion to OJ Simpson.

Killing killers is a slippery camber
Minnesota Nice means no more chamber.

That first line has an Al Franken “Lying Liars” feel to it, which is getting a very positive buzz in the more oppressed areas of town. And it will expand the vocabulary of all in attendance at the rally. In this context, “camber” means “a setting of the wheels of an automobile vehicle closer together at the bottom than the top.” Now doesn’t that sound progressive?

While all of the above are fine suggestions, each worthy of their own protest march to the Capitol in St. Paul, there was another suggestion that was even better. From a man who, I think, deserves to be the leader of W.A.S.B. This guy is so good, he won the contest and he didn’t even bother to enter it.

Instead, I lift the following anti-death penalty slogan wholly out of context from an entirely unrelated post by the Warrior Monk at Spitbull.

Goddamn you Pawlenty! Pandering partisan hack!

Excuse me while I wipe a tear away. The spiteful anger, the name calling, the ability to ruin any chance at consensual resolution, and the cadence, my God the cadence! This man is the greatest natural community leader the country has seen since the emergence of Ed Asner. And to think, Fraters Libertas is responsible for inspiring both of their blogs!