Fraters Libertas

Cold Reality

Traffic reports on morning radio are pointless. The same major arteries are clogged every morning, the same delays, with slight variations in intensity, are present every single morning.. If your typical commute takes you through one of these hot spots, you don’t have a lot of other options. People often speak of taking “alternate routes” but for the most part, these are myth. When traversing a large section of the metropolitan grid, there’s only one way to go that minimizes distance - and typically these are Interstates or major state highways. Alternate routes take you dozens of miles out of your way. Any time gained due to a lack of congestion is eaten up in increased distance traveled. Therefore, the time every radio station spends yammering on about the clot at the Fish Lake interchange or back ups on Yankee Doodle Road (no matter how creatively articulated) is a waste for everyone. The first morning program that realizes this and kills the concept to free up time for more debate on Howard Dean’s scream or to play another Eagles song will gain a competitive advantage in the marketplace.

Although I’ve had some bad commutes in my life (the worst being 6 months of a Minnetonka to Stillwater run), right now it’s a breeze. Saint Paul to Stillwater, which in its entirety is contrary to the surge of the marketplace’s overwhelming preference of where to live vs. where to work. It’s so easy that many observers have spotted me jack knifing with laughter as I approach the entrance ramps on I-94 and mouthing the word “sucker” to the poor slobs heading into town. Perhaps this is why my dismissive attitude toward traffic reports has increased of late.

This attitude now even extends to weather related difficulties. This morning it was snowing at a pretty good clip, with about half an inch down already, another 1 - 3 to come. Beautiful as it was, the laws of physics dictate there would be slippery, unstable conditions for automobile tires. The traffic reports included references to this and the resulting increase in traffic tie ups. Yet I still laughed it off and continued on my merry way as I do every morning - with the hammer down. The nervous Nellies going 45 MPH in the left hand lane were objects of my ridicule. And then my ire in their delaying my arrival at work and the productive adventure in business that awaited. After maneuvering around and blowing by dozens of them with a caustic grin, I began to feel bulletproof and self satisfied at my superior road condition assessment skills and driving execution. Then up ahead of me, at the confluence of two Interstate highways, my attitude was given a stern correction.

There in the left hand lane a Toyota Camry. At a dead stop. Facing the wrong direction.

Good morning Minnesota! After the heart racing, white knuckle gripping lane change out of harm’s way, my first thought was “now that’s something that could really ruin your day.” Realizing I didn’t need a ruined day today, I corrected my driving habits accordingly and joined the cattle train of nervous Nellies in the right hand lane going 40 MPH.

But the thing about driving conditions like this is that even playing by the rules doesn’t necessarily get you home safely. Twice during the rest of my commute, my car did that little lateral shudder, indicating it was considering a fishtailing spasm of chaos. A spasm I’m familiar with. About 10 years ago on Old Hwy 8 in New Brighton, under similar weather conditions, I did a perfect 360 degree spin while going about 40 MPH. It was terrible and amazing and maybe a miracle, since after pushing my heart back down from my throat, I proceeded down the highway without a scratch on me or my vehicle. (Note to the Vatican - if you’re ever considering me for proper sainthood, feel free to use this as one of my confirmed miracles. The other one has to do with getting JB Doubtless a job. See his personal diary for confirmation.)

The moral of the story: slow down. The broader lesson learned: don’t drive anywhere near me when it’s snowing. I’m leaving work today at 5 PM. You’ve all been warned.