Fraters Libertas

Report on Traffic Reports

Historians come in many stripes and varieties. Some study Presidents, some study war, some study revisionist, feminist interpretations of the Great Hormel Meatpackers Strike of 1982, and others, they study the history of traffic reports on Twin Cities AM Radio. Guess which ones read Fraters Libertas?

And we’re glad to have them. See below for reader Super Sonic Sean’s unabridged people’s history of commuting reportage in the Twin Cities:

Gridlock of Biblical Proportions” was funny once. Maybe a couple times. And when The Host comes up with certain “words or phrases” that The Traffic Boy must use in his report, it’s a pretty sad shtick. That I know there is a shtick like that reveals that I am not yet a 100% adherent The Patriot in the 5:00 hour. What can I say? The chip implant didn’t work as well as planned. I flip over during commercials because their respective networks don’t break at the same time.

As I read the Star Diaper’s account of The Evil Neighbor dropping the farm report on Thursday (front page news, at that) I thought to myself “now if they would only drop “Traffic On The Eights!” I could be happy. Just how much traffic can one station give? Short of “All Traffic All The Time” they have gotten close with that stupid “Traffic On The Eights!” During Mike Max Sports at 8:38 at night, do we really need “Traffic On The Eights!” And Christ, if you’re going to advertise “Traffic On The Eights!” can’t you at least *have* a traffic report at :08, :18, :28, :38, :48, :58 past the hour?

The Once Mighty am1500 used to have Art Reeder doing traffic, the only man in the air in the Twin Cities during the morning/evening rush. It was a neat thing, instead of some guy telling you what he saw on a screen. After 9/11 and all the flights being grounded, they realized they could save the expense of airplane fuel, and no more Art Reeder. Which was disappointing, I liked hearing the reports, but it just wasn’t necessary. And we’re not getting any new information in the daily reports. Just as we know the Sun will rise in the morning in the East, we know that 394 Inbound will be clogged. More ridicule of John Kerry is better than a drab traffic report. Maybe Joe O’Brien would read FL and get a clue. HA HA HA, I crack myself up.

Personally, I do have alternate routes, and they work. And I don’t tell them to anyone, partially because I really don’t know my route until I’m making it. For me, it’s not so much as going out of my way as it is about continually moving in the direction I need to go. From Memorial Day weekend to Labor Day, Fridays are terrible for me to try to get home (Becker). Much of the world, it seems, needs to go through Rogers to get “North”. Some go from Rogers to Elk River and north from there, others believe in going to Monticello/Becker/St. Cloud to hit the Brainerd Lakes area. Either way, I’m hosed. There’s only so many places to cross the river. So, if I feel I am making progress, I don’t care so much. I enjoy the drive, I enjoy the radio, so it’s not such a bad deal.

Well. Maybe you weren’t trolling for a comment, but you got one anyway. Be glad you didn’t bring up “The Radio Garage Sale.”

“The Radio Garage Sale” is the name of Sean’s doctoral dissertation on the life of John Lundell. Which, according to sources, the University of Chicago Press has just optioned for publication. Expect to see this stocking stuffer gracing your local Barnes and Noble in time for Christmas 2005.