Each month during the hockey season I receive a magazine from the Mafia protection racket otherwise known as USA Hockey. The last issue featured an article about the fans that attend games at Yost Arena, home to the University of Michigan Wolverines.
I don't know much about Michigan hockey fans, other than seeing the disconsolate looks on their faces each of the last two seasons after the Gophers knocked the Wolverines out of the Frozen Four on their way to back to back NCAA championships. Apparently when the Wolverines score a goal at Yost, the Michigan band plays the school fight song, 'Hail To The Victors', and the students hold up their fingers to indicate how many goals Michigan has scored to that point.
But in this picture which accompanied the article, it's clear that what seems like a fairly simple process can be fraught with complications (click on it for a closer look):
1. Typical Michigan math major, former Eagle Scout: "Dude where's my calculator?"
2. Majoring in Animal House 101: Chances of him living to see thirty lower than his average remedial English test score.
3. Frigid Women's Studies major: Instead of counting goals, she's currently engaged in counting manifestations of the psycho-social dynamic of the patriarchy inherent in collegiate fight songs.
4. Business major: "I'm drunk, there's a hot chick next to me, my team has scored an indeterminate number of goals. Boo-yeah."
5. Lifestyle design major: "I am like sooooo embarrassed. I'm sober, there's a drunk slob next to me, and it's only the second period. Kill me now."
6. Drama major Ray Romano Junior's been hitting the hooka pipe again: "Goal. Heh heh. Goals are like, heavy, man."
7. Mechanical engineering major: The two fingers he's holding up indicate the number of girls that he's talked to. In his life.
8. Twenty seven year old eighth year senior majoring in children's studies. Future high draft pick on the sexual predators watch list.
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