I take no small amount of umbrage at the Elder's claim that I have been drunkenly harassing a respected local columnist. I never call people when drunk, and I rarely make wild assertions.
First of all, I hate the telephone. When sober, this hatred simply manifests itself in ignoring the cursed thing when it rings. When loaded, however, I've been known to attack a ringing phone with a ball peen hammer and a welder's torch. The LAST thing I'd do when on a bender is intentionally get on the thing and prattle on. That would cut into valuable drinking time.
Secondly, regarding the reported "assertions" I was to have been making, I have always been told that when you make assertions you only end up making an "ass" out of "ert" and "ions"...which is all well and good for those positively charged ions, but those negative ones can be quite surly when made an ass of. I, for one, always try to avoid getting bombarded by enraged subatomic particles. And don't even get me started about ERT. There's still a restraining order in effect from the last time I pissed those guys off. Environmentalists can be so grouchy.
As for the implication that I was drunk last night...no comment.
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